More Prayer; Less Judging

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is 

the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV

Let me first start off by saying, adoption is hard. I'm not pointing fingers at any given individual, but rather speaking in defense to the silent eyes, body language and labeling that happens when 
trauma speaks louder than words. 
This comes from a place of brokenness, and hearts that seek healing after being beat up and, at times, feeling like a prisoner to the trauma.

Adoption is a beautiful display of scripture in action. 
Tim and I knew God called us into adoption but we didn't have the scope of what that would take from us until years later. In all the training we have had from both our home study and obtaining our foster license, none of that prepared us for the ugly that trauma causes. The courses don't train you on how to respond to complete strangers gawking at your tantrumming child that appears to be undisciplined or having to execute a safety plan due to trauma becoming violent. There's no heart training when things said pierce a mother's heart, completely shattering her belief as a person and able parent. 

This past summer we have witnessed some of the hardest behaviors yet through words and actions and it nearly broke me. My ability to parent and love well was almost shredded. It has been painful to watch knowing so much of what is happening is spiritual and tied to generational sin. And worst yet is the secondary trauma that takes place in our other kids. I can tell you story after story of things that have happened all due to secondary trauma. Things like our Man Cub trying to protect his Mom when Myriam is hitting me, kicking me or saying things out of rage that she doesn't truly believe to be true. Confusion and bondage have her spewing hatred that has left stains on this Mama's heart. Bruises from the punches when anger needs to release itself. 
That is secondary trauma. 

I don't share that to scare you or to set off alarms. I'm simply stating reality in many adoptive homes. 

Trauma is unpredictable; it's real. Trauma is terrifying but can be comforted. Trauma can be the very thing that makes you want to give up and not continue to pray making you think it will never get any better. 

Things in Myriam's pregnancy were completely out of her control. Patterns of living were done so out of habit and generations of doing things a certain way. When we brought her home we immediately attached and grew as a family of five. Tim and I educated ourselves in adoption circles finding support through our church and other families who had adopted as well. 

Myriam has always been a busy little body walking by nine months and never not having a curiosity about everything. We love that about her, but it's also the thing that has gotten her into trouble. 

Last year at school was a challenge even before the first day of school. The transition into first grade was far from smooth and felt safety wasn't established until months into the school year. Our friend Micah has been a huge blessing meeting us weekly for "play time" or better known as occupational therapy. She was a wealth of knowledge and saw some of my most unpleasant moments. Those mornings she would greet me with chocolate treats and supportive hugs, never judging me for not having my crap together was the encouragement I needed to keep going.

Desert Adventures Part Three

Grand Canyon (9th state)
Horseshoe Bend
3:08 time
230 of 791 total runners

32 of 106 in my age division (30-39)

111 of 516 all female

14 miles total

1650 ft. in elevation

Waking up this morning meant packing up the tent and loading the car completely. Addi and I had already packed the suitcases the night before so it was a matter of rolling up bags by lanterns light.  The challenge is getting out of your sleeping bag into the low forty temperatures to dress and get going. I was so proud of Addison for rocking the runners tent life.

Once again, we were met with sludge for coffee and I'm thankful I packed a few Starbuck Via's to make my few sips go down a little easier. There was an overall sigh being this was the last day of the race, but also community tenderness in everyone's steps. I love the enthusiasm that greeted runners and overall spirit of community in base camp. Even though there are hundreds of people you start to recognize faces after a few days. I was entertained hearing where everyone was from and finding out their own running journey. Many of the participants had never ran on trail, elevation over five hundred feet or miles past double digits. I can't imagine how sore every joint and muscle would be without the training I committed to do. 

We again had to drive a distance to the shuttle parking lot near the start line. Addison really wanted to watch me start a race so she snuck in the shuttle rather than waiting this time for the spectator shuttle. With everyday, the start line opened up at seven thirty and then became a rolling start as the runners made their way to the line. This benefited the race congestion especially since many trails were single track. 

{ Waiting for the shuttle bus and blessed with this incredible sunrise. #nofilter }

{ State #9 done. }

{ Day three begins... }

Today's race made for my ninth state as I ran in Arizona near Horseshoe Bend. Originally, the course had all runners going ten miles. With the threat of rain later in the morning and the past few days rain, the Waterslot Canyons proved too dangerous to have all of us crazies trampling up and down a ladder into the skinny canyons. The pictures looked amazing so I was a little disappointed, but grateful I didn't have to swim my way out if a flash flood arrived. That said, the new course added an additional two miles to the final day race. In reality, it turned out to be fourteen miles on the most 

technical surface I've ran on ever. 

Think of fragile crepes, layered fifty thick and not being sure if they are secure enough to put your weight on... this is just a little of what I ran on. Layers of thin sand harden making the surface never flat or level and then add in seven miles of soft beach canyon sand. Parts of the out and back course (there was zero trails just markers to keep you from getting lost) forced you into skinny rock formations that had you scaling down and back up on the way back. Only one person at a time could pass. Absolutely crazy. 

The Grand Canyon by far gave me the most challenge physically and emotionally. The view did not in fact disappoint which kept me running and also knowing the finish line was miles away pushed me to keep running. 

{ A success just to keep the pink ribbon in view while navigating the terrain. }

{ What went down, must climb back up. }

Desert Adventures Part Two

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

Zion 

Gooseberry Mesa

2:21 time
259 out of 789 total runners

25 of 108 age division (30-39)

126 of 517 all female
12 miles total
1034 ft. in total elevation

{ The sunrise cast a beautiful glow. }

When we left base camp to drive to the start lines it was pitch black outside. The flip side of this are the night skies and ability to see all the stars. Simply incredible. Addi and I slept amazing this second night staying plenty warm and dry. 

Again, we had to drive a little over an hour to the start line which for locals, looks bizarre seeing a line of headlights literally miles long as we all follow one after another. In order to get to the "parking lot" the second morning we had to drive on a very bumpy road for about a mile then pull into a low laying cactus, dirt cattle field to park our beat up rental. Thank goodness it stopped raining or we'd never even get past the beginning of the dirt road! 

This was the first time we were able to see the beginning of the sunrise and it didn't disappoint. The colors in Zion were again amazing. Completely different canyon than Bryce both in size, elevation and the surface I ran on. Some loose sand but mainly rippled gritty rock that was rolling on the top of a "flat" canyon. Looks are deceiving from a distance. I was surprised how much green was in the desert. This particular trail had lots of cactus and what looked to be pine trees. The path we took had the runners along the edge for half of the race. I was shocked how many were brave enough to sit on the ledge to get that epic photo shot. The Mommy in me wanted to reach out my arm and tell the adults to stay back.

Desert Adventures Part One

A year ago, I was doing my wifely duties of vacuuming up other people's messes when I jammed my two little toes into the recliner grossly breaking a little piggy. It took two doctors and a nurse to convince me to stop running for awhile until the break healed or I'd have a disfigured toe for the rest of my life. This meant deferring my registration for the Grand Circle Trailfest until this year. 

I've been training hard to accomplish this goal of three races in three days. Intense trail runs alone in the hills with my thoughts running wild and prayers being sent to the One who created the beauty surrounding Whatcom County. There is no lack of trails around here or others who love the trails as much as I do. I even managed to get Charlie to tag along on some flatter runs while pedaling beside me for miles. Training is challenging, mental and time consuming when juggling four littles. 

But, it was so worth the wait and dedication to stay focused and push
through the moments where training got hard. 

Addison's school had a few days off of school and she gladly jumped at the opportunity to join Mom in Kanab, Utah. We packed strategically knowing there were no wash machines for the immediate wash of weathered running clothes. Sleeping bags, air mattresses, multiple shoes and race day attire were jammed into a suitcase with about twenty large Ziploc bags ready to seal in the stench of my adventures. Addi and I flew into Las Vegas, then drove through some breathtaking country to get to our base camp where four hundred tents were set up and ready for runners.

{ Weekend cans at base camp. "Thou shall cover thy turd with sawdust." }

We quickly immersed ourselves with camp life, the S'mores Station and dinner haul. I absolutely loved having our oldest tag along with me, but I'm guessing she was thinking differently when desert storm released her fiery with the most insane thunder and lightening I've ever experienced. As a reminder, we are sleeping in tents, on the ground which was shaking violently and rain that pierced the one rain shield between us and God's sweet precipitation. Needless to say, we only got four hours of sleep before a rude early morning wake-up call and first race start for the weekend. 

I can't say great things about the food provided but I'm grateful we didn't have to worry entirely about it. The coffee looked like the mud we walked through and options of flavors were slim. Everything about my running usual's were thrown out the window. 

We drove a little over an hour to get to the parking lot where shuttles then brought us to the start line. Addison waited in the dry car until all the runners had been shuttled away then carefully delivered to wait for Mom to cross the first finish line. I was a little nervous for her being alone but making friends with the race director and finding other spectators gave me the ease I needed while she waited. 

Bryce Canyon (State #8)
2:57 time

266 out of 796 total runners

31 of 102 in my age division (30-39)

138 of 519 all female

13.1 miles total

2350 ft. in elevation change

{ Can you call that coffee? }

 { State #8 }

Grandma Haak a.k.a. Chips & Dip Grandma

I never fought such eternal jealously than I did the morning Grandma Haak passed away. 

9.8.2018

Tears of anger and jealousy that Grandma was in the presence of Jesus and with my sister; myself still waiting my turn. A tangible reminder of how much I miss my sister. Tears watching the family grieve and knowing I had to tell the kids yet another grandparent had passed away. 

Tears hearing Mom say she was an orphan now that her parents had all passed away. 

{ Sunday Staple Grandma Recipes }

Nothing about loosing a grandparent is easy. 

Grandma Haak has lived around the corner since shortly after we moved to our current home. The kids and I would often walk, ride or run by Grandma's and send a wave to the second floor balcony patio which was watched faithfully to see all the traffic and business that Grandma followed daily. She knew the routine of particular cars, names of those walking by and if not, would try to figure them out by playing Dutch Bingo. She understood the patterns of neighbors and always had things to say about her dirty windows or the cotton that was stuck in the screens. And never did you ask about the creek because she always had something to say about the flow of water, critters that stopped by or logs that were jammed up by the bridge. A wealth of information she was. 

So much knowledge that years ago when I went running by, pony tail in place and hair out of my way, Grandma thought she knew how one should wear their hair when out running.

"Today, there was a gal that went running by with her hair in a pony tail swooshing side to side and such a mess. She should have taken better care of her hair than like that. It was so unkept."

Ummm... what color shorts was she wearing?

"Black ones with a colored top."

Yeah, Grandma. Be nice. That was me. 

Many of my girlfriends still give me a hard time about that unkept pony tail and remind me to keep it in place so Grandma doesn't have more to say of the messy running hair!

When Grandma was first diagnosed with Ovarian cancer, all the greats and grands put our effort together to create a quilt to keep Grandma warm during treatments and at home. With Grandpa gone she had no one at home to snuggle up to or rub her back when not feeling well. This quilt was a gem. 

Hand prints, verses and so much love in one comforting quilt. 

It wasn't much earlier that I had just shaved Gigi's hair due to hair loss from her cancer treatments. Grandma Haak was next and one I was most nervous about. I was surprised by Grandma's strength and fighting spirit during her four year battle with cancer. It really wasn't until this past year that her health became much more obvious and the struggle to be independent a daily battle. 

Grandma always had a stash of Juice Boxes chilled ready for visitors which Charlie used as a reason to say hi. Often other neighbor kids would stop in to say hi as well which always brought Grandma such joy. These visits will be missed greatly. 

The Grandma's that were incredibly involved in the lives of our children both physically and through prayer now gone ... the void is quite large. 

Golden

14 on the 14th.

A golden birthday. 

I can still remember the feeling of seeing Addison for the first time ... numb from the arms down due to an emergency c-section. The nurse and Tim had to help hold my arms in place to hold her for the first time. Not how I imagined it would be but it was indeed perfection resting in my arms. 

Addison has been our sweet joy from day one. We are often taken back by her maturity, wisdom, responsibility and also her goofiness that randomly makes an appearance. Organized, structured and routine in her studying habits and dailies. Never do I need to tell her to make her bed; she just does it. 

God has given our oldest the gift of a creative eye and skill that we pray someday will be used to bless others. It already has many times over. 

Her heart is for others overflowing with compassion and understanding when she sees an emotional need. 

It was my job to bring some golden cheer to her classroom on Friday and to celebrate with Addi ... 

regardless if she wanted it or not! So, with gold bedazzled cupcakes, 14 gold balloons, a jar of golden wrapped candy and a golden colored drink, Nana and I, along with the little helper, brought the celebration to school. 

First Day of School

 { 8th grade at Ebenezer Christian School }

The changes that have occurred from first grade to eighth grade can't be numbered. There are simply too many. Addison was enrolled at home for school with the support through Mp3 for seven years. They were good years. School years where she expanded her knowledge, but also found herself bored because her mind needed more challenge, more knowledge and socialization I was not capable of giving. This year marks Addison's second year at ECS ... I still view her with the adorable short bob, missing teeth and quiet spirit that held many in suspense to when she'd find her voice. She's found it. Addison continues to be organized, motivated, extremely artistic and thoroughly enjoying the friendships she's established. It also helps that she has little brother to pick on now that he's in the same middle school building.

 { 5th grade at Ebenezer Christian School }

Chuckles. You will always have your Mama's heart melting with every smile. God has given this Man Cub an incredibly compassionate, sensitive and tender heart for those he sees in need. There is never a night where he doesn't say "I love you" and still requests his parental's to tuck him in at night. I love that and pray it never changes. This year marks Charlie's third year at ECS with established friendships and schedules he has learned to love. Charlie is all boy watching wrestling, getting dirty, playing sports and the latest, following his Daddy's footsteps, has really taking a liking to barbershop. Kid can sing and play the guitar from his father's natural gifting's. Charlie tries to be as organized as his big sister but he's boy. Some things don't pass down in the line of siblings. As for pushing buttons, he does that best with Myriam.

{ 1st grade at Fisher Elementary School }

This girl. It's been a hard summer. I won't sugar coat the struggles we've been dealing with that have resulted in many days in tears. BUT, we have had an amazingly surprising, prayer-filled start to her first grade that has already earned rewards to Edaline Dairy for treats. Myriam works tirelessly to keep herself regulated, choosing good choices and remembering all that she needs to do in the classroom setting. She had no nerves going into this year. When she went to meet her teacher, her aide from last year was spotted making Myriam run into the ELRC with mega hugs for her favorite person, Mrs. Karb. The transition to school this year has gone without fuss (well, just once so far but compared to years past it's a wash) and we are beyond proud of Myriam for working this hard. Her favorite part of school so far have been the compliment circles at the end of the day: “I just wanted to compliment everyone for everything: everyone worked hard, played nicely at recess, lined up quietly, and I just think this is the best class at the best school.  
I’m happy to be here.”
Bug, if you can keep that attitude up throughout the year, you are going to leap miles ahead. Mommy and Daddy will prayerfully guide you through this year so you can have others say to you, 
"We are so happy YOU we're here in our classroom."

As for Baylee ... well, she'll be entering Mommy's School of Potty Training soon making this 
house a diaper free zone. 

Here's to a great year of education, packed lunches, homework and number two pencil zones.