More Prayer; Less Judging

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is 

the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV

Let me first start off by saying, adoption is hard. I'm not pointing fingers at any given individual, but rather speaking in defense to the silent eyes, body language and labeling that happens when 
trauma speaks louder than words. 
This comes from a place of brokenness, and hearts that seek healing after being beat up and, at times, feeling like a prisoner to the trauma.

Adoption is a beautiful display of scripture in action. 
Tim and I knew God called us into adoption but we didn't have the scope of what that would take from us until years later. In all the training we have had from both our home study and obtaining our foster license, none of that prepared us for the ugly that trauma causes. The courses don't train you on how to respond to complete strangers gawking at your tantrumming child that appears to be undisciplined or having to execute a safety plan due to trauma becoming violent. There's no heart training when things said pierce a mother's heart, completely shattering her belief as a person and able parent. 

This past summer we have witnessed some of the hardest behaviors yet through words and actions and it nearly broke me. My ability to parent and love well was almost shredded. It has been painful to watch knowing so much of what is happening is spiritual and tied to generational sin. And worst yet is the secondary trauma that takes place in our other kids. I can tell you story after story of things that have happened all due to secondary trauma. Things like our Man Cub trying to protect his Mom when Myriam is hitting me, kicking me or saying things out of rage that she doesn't truly believe to be true. Confusion and bondage have her spewing hatred that has left stains on this Mama's heart. Bruises from the punches when anger needs to release itself. 
That is secondary trauma. 

I don't share that to scare you or to set off alarms. I'm simply stating reality in many adoptive homes. 

Trauma is unpredictable; it's real. Trauma is terrifying but can be comforted. Trauma can be the very thing that makes you want to give up and not continue to pray making you think it will never get any better. 

Things in Myriam's pregnancy were completely out of her control. Patterns of living were done so out of habit and generations of doing things a certain way. When we brought her home we immediately attached and grew as a family of five. Tim and I educated ourselves in adoption circles finding support through our church and other families who had adopted as well. 

Myriam has always been a busy little body walking by nine months and never not having a curiosity about everything. We love that about her, but it's also the thing that has gotten her into trouble. 

Last year at school was a challenge even before the first day of school. The transition into first grade was far from smooth and felt safety wasn't established until months into the school year. Our friend Micah has been a huge blessing meeting us weekly for "play time" or better known as occupational therapy. She was a wealth of knowledge and saw some of my most unpleasant moments. Those mornings she would greet me with chocolate treats and supportive hugs, never judging me for not having my crap together was the encouragement I needed to keep going.

Desert Adventures Part Three

Grand Canyon (9th state)
Horseshoe Bend
3:08 time
230 of 791 total runners

32 of 106 in my age division (30-39)

111 of 516 all female

14 miles total

1650 ft. in elevation

Waking up this morning meant packing up the tent and loading the car completely. Addi and I had already packed the suitcases the night before so it was a matter of rolling up bags by lanterns light.  The challenge is getting out of your sleeping bag into the low forty temperatures to dress and get going. I was so proud of Addison for rocking the runners tent life.

Once again, we were met with sludge for coffee and I'm thankful I packed a few Starbuck Via's to make my few sips go down a little easier. There was an overall sigh being this was the last day of the race, but also community tenderness in everyone's steps. I love the enthusiasm that greeted runners and overall spirit of community in base camp. Even though there are hundreds of people you start to recognize faces after a few days. I was entertained hearing where everyone was from and finding out their own running journey. Many of the participants had never ran on trail, elevation over five hundred feet or miles past double digits. I can't imagine how sore every joint and muscle would be without the training I committed to do. 

We again had to drive a distance to the shuttle parking lot near the start line. Addison really wanted to watch me start a race so she snuck in the shuttle rather than waiting this time for the spectator shuttle. With everyday, the start line opened up at seven thirty and then became a rolling start as the runners made their way to the line. This benefited the race congestion especially since many trails were single track. 

{ Waiting for the shuttle bus and blessed with this incredible sunrise. #nofilter }

{ State #9 done. }

{ Day three begins... }

Today's race made for my ninth state as I ran in Arizona near Horseshoe Bend. Originally, the course had all runners going ten miles. With the threat of rain later in the morning and the past few days rain, the Waterslot Canyons proved too dangerous to have all of us crazies trampling up and down a ladder into the skinny canyons. The pictures looked amazing so I was a little disappointed, but grateful I didn't have to swim my way out if a flash flood arrived. That said, the new course added an additional two miles to the final day race. In reality, it turned out to be fourteen miles on the most 

technical surface I've ran on ever. 

Think of fragile crepes, layered fifty thick and not being sure if they are secure enough to put your weight on... this is just a little of what I ran on. Layers of thin sand harden making the surface never flat or level and then add in seven miles of soft beach canyon sand. Parts of the out and back course (there was zero trails just markers to keep you from getting lost) forced you into skinny rock formations that had you scaling down and back up on the way back. Only one person at a time could pass. Absolutely crazy. 

The Grand Canyon by far gave me the most challenge physically and emotionally. The view did not in fact disappoint which kept me running and also knowing the finish line was miles away pushed me to keep running. 

{ A success just to keep the pink ribbon in view while navigating the terrain. }

{ What went down, must climb back up. }

Desert Adventures Part Two

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

Zion 

Gooseberry Mesa

2:21 time
259 out of 789 total runners

25 of 108 age division (30-39)

126 of 517 all female
12 miles total
1034 ft. in total elevation

{ The sunrise cast a beautiful glow. }

When we left base camp to drive to the start lines it was pitch black outside. The flip side of this are the night skies and ability to see all the stars. Simply incredible. Addi and I slept amazing this second night staying plenty warm and dry. 

Again, we had to drive a little over an hour to the start line which for locals, looks bizarre seeing a line of headlights literally miles long as we all follow one after another. In order to get to the "parking lot" the second morning we had to drive on a very bumpy road for about a mile then pull into a low laying cactus, dirt cattle field to park our beat up rental. Thank goodness it stopped raining or we'd never even get past the beginning of the dirt road! 

This was the first time we were able to see the beginning of the sunrise and it didn't disappoint. The colors in Zion were again amazing. Completely different canyon than Bryce both in size, elevation and the surface I ran on. Some loose sand but mainly rippled gritty rock that was rolling on the top of a "flat" canyon. Looks are deceiving from a distance. I was surprised how much green was in the desert. This particular trail had lots of cactus and what looked to be pine trees. The path we took had the runners along the edge for half of the race. I was shocked how many were brave enough to sit on the ledge to get that epic photo shot. The Mommy in me wanted to reach out my arm and tell the adults to stay back.

Desert Adventures Part One

A year ago, I was doing my wifely duties of vacuuming up other people's messes when I jammed my two little toes into the recliner grossly breaking a little piggy. It took two doctors and a nurse to convince me to stop running for awhile until the break healed or I'd have a disfigured toe for the rest of my life. This meant deferring my registration for the Grand Circle Trailfest until this year. 

I've been training hard to accomplish this goal of three races in three days. Intense trail runs alone in the hills with my thoughts running wild and prayers being sent to the One who created the beauty surrounding Whatcom County. There is no lack of trails around here or others who love the trails as much as I do. I even managed to get Charlie to tag along on some flatter runs while pedaling beside me for miles. Training is challenging, mental and time consuming when juggling four littles. 

But, it was so worth the wait and dedication to stay focused and push
through the moments where training got hard. 

Addison's school had a few days off of school and she gladly jumped at the opportunity to join Mom in Kanab, Utah. We packed strategically knowing there were no wash machines for the immediate wash of weathered running clothes. Sleeping bags, air mattresses, multiple shoes and race day attire were jammed into a suitcase with about twenty large Ziploc bags ready to seal in the stench of my adventures. Addi and I flew into Las Vegas, then drove through some breathtaking country to get to our base camp where four hundred tents were set up and ready for runners.

{ Weekend cans at base camp. "Thou shall cover thy turd with sawdust." }

We quickly immersed ourselves with camp life, the S'mores Station and dinner haul. I absolutely loved having our oldest tag along with me, but I'm guessing she was thinking differently when desert storm released her fiery with the most insane thunder and lightening I've ever experienced. As a reminder, we are sleeping in tents, on the ground which was shaking violently and rain that pierced the one rain shield between us and God's sweet precipitation. Needless to say, we only got four hours of sleep before a rude early morning wake-up call and first race start for the weekend. 

I can't say great things about the food provided but I'm grateful we didn't have to worry entirely about it. The coffee looked like the mud we walked through and options of flavors were slim. Everything about my running usual's were thrown out the window. 

We drove a little over an hour to get to the parking lot where shuttles then brought us to the start line. Addison waited in the dry car until all the runners had been shuttled away then carefully delivered to wait for Mom to cross the first finish line. I was a little nervous for her being alone but making friends with the race director and finding other spectators gave me the ease I needed while she waited. 

Bryce Canyon (State #8)
2:57 time

266 out of 796 total runners

31 of 102 in my age division (30-39)

138 of 519 all female

13.1 miles total

2350 ft. in elevation change

{ Can you call that coffee? }

 { State #8 }