Strapped but Not Held Down

Everyday I'm reminded how blessed I am regardless the chaos, noise or discomfort I experience during the day. My journey of discomfort began in November. When I had just been given clearance to do the thing I love so much to do and which keeps me grounded, I walked into a surgery yet again leaving me stuck in the reclining chair and at the mercy of many others. 

It feels like forever ago I had four drains stitched to my sides leaving me with very 

few options for clothing and comfort. 

My Mom and I ventured out weeks after surgery and ended up at Cheeks to try on clothes and feel somewhat normal. Nothing about having a drain baby makes you feel normal especially when you look four months preggers. Praise God I can laugh and not cry every time hard faces me. 

This will go down as a stellar Mother/Daughter date. 

It feels like forever ago someone had to bathe me and pour my coffee for me. I still can't run (big, long weary sigh) but I know I can. I can't lift weights but I know my body is strong. 

After weekly appointments at the University of Washington Medical center post surgery, things came to a screeching halt. The reconstructive surgery had been scheduled for April sixth giving my body one last final time to heal before the summer fun began and a fall race training schedule would need to resume. 

...Enter Covid-19...

I've later learned that many things came to a halt. My surgeon explained that in a matter of a day, her three surgeries went from normal waiting room procedures to two family members only and by the third surgery no one allowed in the waiting room... all in one day. She also shared how patients, recently diagnosed with breast cancer, were told to push pause on upcoming surgeries to remove cancer and to take extra chemotherapy until operating rooms opened up once again. 

My heart sunk.

I immediately thought back to when my sister was diagnosed and the fear surrounding something terminal growing in her body. Removing the cancer could not have happened any quicker. The fear knowing you have a detonated bomb ticking in your body is scary enough yet alone told to sit and be calm. 

For all the discomfort I experience with iron clad expanders that, as close to explaining, feels like a too small, too tight, broken down underwire bra, I can live a few more months for these terrified patients to have surgery first. (they're not really iron.)

Yes, the new surgery date throws off my well-thought out plans but given today's chaos, it could be worse. 

Our kids are healthy. 

Our home is safe. 

Our jobs secure. 

Our faith is solid. 

Our marriage thriving. 

Our gas tank is full. 

Our support system remains present. 

We still have our laughter. 

We still have the church.

We still have our health.

We will still have fun this summer. 

In all my time now at home, I've been able to purge many things from my computer creating additional space and storage. Having both preventive surgeries has cleared mind space where fear once lived. The computer was desperately in need of the same thing. One of the tasks has been to go through all the thousands of pictures I struggle to delete. In doing so, I ran across this picture of Tim and I from 2014 that, not only is hilariously fitting, but pretty much sums things up as of late. 

Our hands are full; our bellies full of laughter. 

It may feel like our countries situation is strapping many of us down with unexpected loss and freedom. The ability to worship together, visit with friends and shop at our favorite local stores halted. 

But God. 

God can not be strapped down, confined to a box or told He has boundaries. He is bigger than all our fears, doubts and delays in preventive surgeries. God has purpose in our waiting.

It does feel like forever ago when I last ran, but I know my time to run will be coming soon. Until then, I'll keep purging the photos, organizing my inbox and give thanks for all the things 

God has blessed our family with including being drain free. 

What are you thankful for today?

{ Having fun; making memories. }

{ I will burn this pillow when all said and done. }

{ No drains and finally free. }

{ Post-op covid style. }

Awareness that Leads to Remembrance

My sister always made everyone around her know how good God was as she fought breast cancer. 

The confessions are found in the pages of her journal after her original diagnoses in 2007. Her continuous smile proved she believed in "counting it all joy." (James 1:2)

The month of October puts extra emphasis on breast cancer awareness. During the raw and most challenging moments of Traci's journey, I found myself at times bitter and angry walking into stores seeing all things pink. 

"Why did she have to suffer like this? Why was her youth stolen by this disease and dreams of having a family instantly ripped from her grip? It's not fair she suffered for so long."

I know my sister had these same thoughts, but my memory can only recall twice when I heard the frustration. Her faith soared while her ability to survive was rooted in the truth that God is good. 

It became her lens in all things hard and reason why she praised in the positive moments. 

Her very presence was contagious simply because her faith was who she was. Traci showed many who Jesus was during her cancer journey which gave her more reason to keep fighting. 

How often have I given up hope because life got hard? When my belief that God is good vanishes due to frustrations and negative outcomes to situations out of my control?

God, I'm so sorry my flesh caved to defeat. 

Thank you for allowing me to have the years with my sister who challenged my faith and taught me 'never' or 'can't' are void of the dictionary. Thank you for granting our family thirty seven short years with a warrior who showed us how to fight well. 

Yes, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, but I'd rather change the language to show off the hero's who gave everyone else reason to believe that...

God is still good. 

If Traci was still living, I'm positive she'd still be fighting, stubborn in her prayers for healing and cheering on all her Pink Sister's battling breast cancer alongside her. 

To those battling breast cancer, you are not far from our thoughts and prayers. Your strength and tenacity inspires those around you and does not go unnoticed. 

Sister, I miss you. 

 { Super model pose while passing time receiving treatment. }

#ncctkjustusmarriagegetaway ... Just Us

{ Always my Hubs. Always his Wife. }

 

{ May 3-5, 2019 }

The Just Us Couples were welcomed back in La Conner, WA, this year with lots of sunshine and hospitality as almost 50 couples connected with each other, learned about their personalities and focused on marriage while playing, laughing and relaxing with others. We are incredibly blessed to be apart of a church that supports marriage between man and woman AND makes an effort to invest into marriage. I heard multiple times how peoples cheeks hurt from laughing all throughout the weekend. 

My only request of the couples this year as volunteered MC, was to set aside the hard stuff - the parts of marriage that had them stressed, fearful, nose deep in self-help books or buried deep in counseling. To remind their marriage how to laugh, connect with others and remember to have fun. Marriage is HARD WORK! 

The Just Us Getaways are to bring the fellowship and connection back into marriage, as well as connecting with other church couples. It's always fun to see the hands go up according to what service they attend since many sit on opposite sides of the church. Numerous times over the weekend we heard of new budding friendships and connections being made. 

The Just Us Team saw that as a win!

And to give you insight into who attends, we had the youngest couple being married just under two years, to the oldest couple just celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary! 

To best explain the weekend, I thought I'd just show you the belly laughs that were had and highlights from our 2nd Annual Just us Couples Getaway!

{ Follow #ncctkjustusmarriagegetaway to see more of the fun! }

{ Mark Warren hit it out of the park once again speaking into our 

personalities and how they affect our relationships. }

{ The Mix & Mingle B-I-N-G-O game proved success again resulting in peeps learning new things about each other, but also winning sweet prizes too! }

Our community once again blessed our couples with many donations for door prizes, game prizes and the coveted 1st place Amazing Race prize of a two-night stay at Semiahmoo Resort! Thank you to every business that greatly blessed so many couples. 

Shout out to Wood's Coffee for providing the caffeine all weekend long as well! 

{ Amy and her sweet tooth talents gave couples a punch of energy before the Just Us Amazing Race. }

 

 

 { We asked couples to dress up as noticeable couples... these were a few but clearly Joseph, Mary and sweet Baby Jesus won the Best Dressed prize to Jo Fish & Creativity! }

{ That's right. Shower caps, shaving cream and Cheese Puffs were just one of the Race Detours couples had to participate in. Blindfolded rubber band guns were another entertaining Race Challenge. }

 { Grooms had to locate their anniversary date while the brides sat in silence. Not sure which was harder! They later had to find their brides birthday while brides blew a bubble to connect the two dates. We had 29 couples participate in the Amazing Race! }

{ My Love & I on our Channel Lodge balcony before live streaming church and sharing in worship with all the couples. The Just Us Team debriefed at Whitey's BBQ making it now tradition to 

end our time together before heading home. }

A Day of Rescue

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Not yet."

These were the words my sister shared with me a month before she passed.
As we sat in Red Robin, laughing over the need for straws and beverage stabilization, her hands shook tempting the lemon drop to fall into her lap. Her body weakening; her spirit fiercely fighting. We decided to order multiple appetizers since we couldn't land on one dinner option leaving us with a table full of food and conversation for hours. I'm sure it looked ridiculous honestly. The disease had clearly taken a tole on her appearance and, for what I think was the first time outwardly, looked really sick. Regardless of how she felt, we were going to enjoy our time as sisters.
It was in these conversations where I remember asking if anything had changed and if she was ready. 

What I loved most about my sister was her ability to calm the weary supporter. The ability to relay a message of peace and firmly causing me to believe that only God can have control of her earthly timeline. I let her say her peace, but inside I knew things were changing. 

And here I sit, two years after my sweet sister gained her heavenly citizenship; grieved but not without joy, broken but whole, empty but have all that I need. 

There's not a day that goes by without a thought of my sister passing through a memory. A day that goes by without a longing to call and share the embarrassing moment or frustrating situation in parenting. I will always want more time, more hugs, more shaky dates with lemon drops and straws, but I realized in the process of my healing, that she needed a rescue more than I needed an earthly sister to stand by my side. 

God works all things for His glory, at the right time and with His purpose which points to His Kingdom and power. I believe it; I know it; I read the truth and rest in those promises. It's still hard. Heaven is more real now than has ever been before. Three grandparents and a sister in two years is far too much for one family to experience yet alone process with young ones. Death changes you. Grief rearranges your priorities and places a filter on life that is hard to understand when it's not personal and within reach of your sphere. Giving my grief words can be a challenge some days and when needed my tears speak for the lost communication. 

God heard my sisters request of her spirit growing faint to this earthly world and sent an army to rescue her from the physical suffering and torment the ravishing disease was doing to her body. What settles my deep longing to pull my sister from Heaven is knowing the impact still taking place through her story and how God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated her beautiful rescue. 

He heard her.

He saw her. 

He sheltered her. 

He defended her. 

He found her. 

I'm confident that my sisters words would not change if she could shout down from Heaven...

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Not yet."

Her message unwavering:
God is still good. 

Not every rescue looks the way we requested, planned or even want to experience. There is no goodbye willingly given to those you love. 

But, this I know... I needed a rescue as much as my sister received hers. 

God rescued me from intense grief, from a state of brokenness and loss that has turned to joy. 

God hears me, sees me, continues to shelter me and defend me. 

Today, I reflect on the moment my sisters hand slipped from mine and entered into the presence of God. 

Today, as a family, we remember the life that was lived with a contagious smile, laughter
and zest for adventure. 

I will raise my hands in worship, allow the tears to slip down my cheeks and embrace the army that has surrounded me here on earth separate from my sister. 

Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet sister... You still haven't left me. 

JUST US Save the Date

Last Spring the JUST US Team set into a motion the first annual NCCTK Couples Getaway. We had a blast. Couples found it to be a relaxed, non-threatening, no homework style "marriage retreat" that rewarded them with laughter and multiple times of connection for themselves and with others. 

We are super excited to be announcing the dates for next year's

JUST US Getaway May 3-5, 2019!!!!

For all local NCCTK couples wanting or interested in signing up for this awesome weekend, watch the highlights from last year HERE then sign up to have early access to reserve one of the sixty rooms we have set aside for you.  

Formal registration will be in January, but don't wait until then as these spots will fill up fast!

Desert Adventures Part Two

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

Zion 

Gooseberry Mesa

2:21 time
259 out of 789 total runners

25 of 108 age division (30-39)

126 of 517 all female
12 miles total
1034 ft. in total elevation

{ The sunrise cast a beautiful glow. }

When we left base camp to drive to the start lines it was pitch black outside. The flip side of this are the night skies and ability to see all the stars. Simply incredible. Addi and I slept amazing this second night staying plenty warm and dry. 

Again, we had to drive a little over an hour to the start line which for locals, looks bizarre seeing a line of headlights literally miles long as we all follow one after another. In order to get to the "parking lot" the second morning we had to drive on a very bumpy road for about a mile then pull into a low laying cactus, dirt cattle field to park our beat up rental. Thank goodness it stopped raining or we'd never even get past the beginning of the dirt road! 

This was the first time we were able to see the beginning of the sunrise and it didn't disappoint. The colors in Zion were again amazing. Completely different canyon than Bryce both in size, elevation and the surface I ran on. Some loose sand but mainly rippled gritty rock that was rolling on the top of a "flat" canyon. Looks are deceiving from a distance. I was surprised how much green was in the desert. This particular trail had lots of cactus and what looked to be pine trees. The path we took had the runners along the edge for half of the race. I was shocked how many were brave enough to sit on the ledge to get that epic photo shot. The Mommy in me wanted to reach out my arm and tell the adults to stay back.

Desert Adventures Part One

A year ago, I was doing my wifely duties of vacuuming up other people's messes when I jammed my two little toes into the recliner grossly breaking a little piggy. It took two doctors and a nurse to convince me to stop running for awhile until the break healed or I'd have a disfigured toe for the rest of my life. This meant deferring my registration for the Grand Circle Trailfest until this year. 

I've been training hard to accomplish this goal of three races in three days. Intense trail runs alone in the hills with my thoughts running wild and prayers being sent to the One who created the beauty surrounding Whatcom County. There is no lack of trails around here or others who love the trails as much as I do. I even managed to get Charlie to tag along on some flatter runs while pedaling beside me for miles. Training is challenging, mental and time consuming when juggling four littles. 

But, it was so worth the wait and dedication to stay focused and push
through the moments where training got hard. 

Addison's school had a few days off of school and she gladly jumped at the opportunity to join Mom in Kanab, Utah. We packed strategically knowing there were no wash machines for the immediate wash of weathered running clothes. Sleeping bags, air mattresses, multiple shoes and race day attire were jammed into a suitcase with about twenty large Ziploc bags ready to seal in the stench of my adventures. Addi and I flew into Las Vegas, then drove through some breathtaking country to get to our base camp where four hundred tents were set up and ready for runners.

{ Weekend cans at base camp. "Thou shall cover thy turd with sawdust." }

We quickly immersed ourselves with camp life, the S'mores Station and dinner haul. I absolutely loved having our oldest tag along with me, but I'm guessing she was thinking differently when desert storm released her fiery with the most insane thunder and lightening I've ever experienced. As a reminder, we are sleeping in tents, on the ground which was shaking violently and rain that pierced the one rain shield between us and God's sweet precipitation. Needless to say, we only got four hours of sleep before a rude early morning wake-up call and first race start for the weekend. 

I can't say great things about the food provided but I'm grateful we didn't have to worry entirely about it. The coffee looked like the mud we walked through and options of flavors were slim. Everything about my running usual's were thrown out the window. 

We drove a little over an hour to get to the parking lot where shuttles then brought us to the start line. Addison waited in the dry car until all the runners had been shuttled away then carefully delivered to wait for Mom to cross the first finish line. I was a little nervous for her being alone but making friends with the race director and finding other spectators gave me the ease I needed while she waited. 

Bryce Canyon (State #8)
2:57 time

266 out of 796 total runners

31 of 102 in my age division (30-39)

138 of 519 all female

13.1 miles total

2350 ft. in elevation change

{ Can you call that coffee? }

 { State #8 }

Kryptos Hedera

My original plan was to just trim the ivy as it quickly crept into my view of the back yard sprouting across the window; the roots permanently attaching to whatever surface it came into contact with. It may be pretty to look at and provides a great ground cover, but this plant can also be extremely invasive.
As I methodically begin the task of trimming this vine and that one, I noticed the extensive damage it had done to our window trim, exterior walls and even the window itself. Without pausing, I quickly decided to rip the entire plant off the wall and out of the ground.
It became immediately apparent that I was not the only one upset about this vine being ripped out and angered by the decay it had done to our home. Massive black spiders with bodies the size of my thumb nail scampered out from the displaced vines; up the walls and every direction on the ground setting off alarm to the mild arachnophobia this bug hating gardener has.
I had never been so thankful to have the bottle of Home Defense than at this moment, turning the situation into a battle of spider vs. bug melter with a quick trigger finger ready to spray until death. I turned into a human spider killer that refused to let anything flinching move a single one of their eight legs.

The parallel of the ivy plant to sin is almost identical.
Did you know that ivy is originally referred to as hedera? There are about fifteen different species of the climbing or ground-creeping plant.
At a distance, the ivy climbing on a brick wall creates a variegated green garden or a ground foliage that covers the forest floor. When you step closer, what you see is the ivy choking out the tree it's taken hostage by the thick, invading vines or roots that have taken hold to the outside walls, in some cases, vines that have grown into attic spaces under siding ruining the integrity of a home.
Every time I attempted to rip the brown, sunlight-starved vines off our exterior walls, pieces of paint would be tore off as well.

"And the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, "God is really among you!"
1 Corinthians 14:25

Death Clarified Life

"And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, He gave up His spirit.
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.
When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely He was the Son of God!"
Matthew 27:51-54

Death clarifies priorities.

Not the priorities on the 'to do list' for the day, but those priorities that lead to eternal life.
I catch myself getting caught up in the busy routine of life, chasing kids and my husband, when first, I should be chasing God and the family running after me. Those things that seem important for the day really could wait as many times it's just added noise.
I recently completed a thirteen week course on grief as my world turned upside down this past year and found myself needing to check this box off to reassure my grief was on the right track.
As informative as the class was, my biggest take away was a few key scriptures and phrases that will stick with me for a long while.

If there was no sin, there would be no reason for the crucifixion.
If there was no sacrifice on the cross, there would be no reason to hope.
If there was no death, there would be no resurrection.
If there was no resurrection, there would be no eternal life or forgiveness.

Jesus' death on the cross clarified our purpose as believers and extended eternal life to all sinners.
With any life altering situation, death or pain, it truly does clarify what's important to you.
Nine years ago, Tim and I sat on our living room floor on Good Friday, serving each other communion as our first marriage died and we allowed God to give us a second chance at us.
The betrayal clarified our focus on what was real and a priority in our family.
Without Jesus' death on the cross, there would have been no reason to fight for our marriage. There would be no reason to forgive or to seek mercy from others.

Without death there would be no hope.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Revelation 21:4

As I've been reflecting on Good Friday and what is to come on Sunday, I can't help but think about the good that has come from death.
Forgiveness. Grace. Mercy. Love. Hope. A reinstated purpose to live more for today.

God tells us in Matthew 6:34 to, "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." The challenge to stay in today is forever an issue as fallen humans living in a world of worry and fret.
The promise and hope in Jesus' death, is we know what is coming in three days... life.

"He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering...
For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors."
Isaiah 53:3, 12b

These Four Words

April has been a month of reflection.

A reconciliation of what Jesus did for us on the cross. A reminder of anniversaries and birthdays. A reminder that eight years ago our marriage came to life. 

I find myself getting lost in thought going back ten years when we wheeled my sister into the operating room for her first surgery a week after receiving her cancer diagnoses. I can hear the words she spoke to me as I told her I loved her. I can see Tim with open arms ready to catch his bride as he surprised me at the hospital in Portland, I remember the first moments after surgery quickly brushing Traci's teeth before visitors came and can smell the Olive Garden dinner that fed the waiting room of friends and family. 

I look back at the first moments in the Mission House post surgery as Mom and I got Traci comfortable before I needed to head back home.

My Tribute: Daughter, Sister, Friend

I first want to say thank you, on behalf of our family, for walking these past 10 years with us praying, encouraging and showing us support as we cared for our daughter and sister in her fight. It was not only just her fight; it became all of our fight and we can not say how much your willingness to join through prayer and support has meant to all of us. There were successful fundraisers, homes opened up to stay at, meals provided, gas cards given, rides offered to bring Traci to and from treatments or even back home. In boxes above Traci’s closet are every single card written with words of hope, scriptures of truth and sentiments of friendship spoken. Traci clung to your friendships and it is the fuel behind her fight. We humbly ask that you help us finish our Hero’s fight worshipping and celebrating her life, her love for her Jesus and to not focus on her death, but her victory.

Be Thou Her Vision

Today marks another new normal; another adventure yet to be experienced; another treatment not yet had. She's scared, nervous, anxious; possibly even hesitant. The start of a three week radiation treatment in attempts to eradicate the brain tumors and eye tumors found from what was thought to just be a side effect of the ongoing chemotherapy Traci has been receiving. 

It started with blurry vision, much like seeing out of a water glass, and a green tint out of the left eye. I ventured down to Portland to assist in getting Traci to her Friday appointments along with Charlie and Miss Bee. 

After a simple examination of the eye, the doctor kept on ordering a few more tests just to make sure he had a good idea what was going on. That was my cue that something was wrong. During the eye ultrasound I pointedly said to the doctor, "We've been doing this cancer thing for over nine years. If you're looking for a tumor just say so." 

It was after that, we saw another specialist and heard the words:

metastatic eye tumors.

Our hearts sunk a wee bit. 

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

naught be all else to me, save that thou art

thou my best thought, by day or by night;

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

{ Never a chemotherapy alone. }

Disappointment was heavy on my heart watching and listening to My Hero displace the facts that we had just heard, for the possibility of these new tumors still being just a side effect of her treatments. I had the unfortunate job of telling Dad the truth over the phone and later together we told Mom. This has been the journey from the beginning of extreme ups and deep lows. The only constant in all of this has been Jesus. 

Be thou my wisdom, and thou my rue word;

I ever with thee and thou with me, lord.

Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,

thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.

This past summer I went through a Bible study about worship. What kept coming to mind was how beautifully Traci has been able to worship through every mountain placed in front of her. No matter what the challenge, hurdle or test she walks into, she walks firmly rooted in the truth that God is still so good. I think about Abraham when he was leading his son up the mountain to make a sacrifice to God. His faithfulness overcame the devastation of what he might have had to do. I think about Job as he had tragedy after tragedy plague his life but he continued to remain faithful. The journey Moses had leading his people to the promised land. Worship is an incredibly strong theme throughout the Bible and Traci's life is no different. She remains faithful; she remains consistent in her Foundation. God remains good even though all else may seem chaotic and terrifying. 

Riches I heed not, no vain, empty praise;

thou mine inheritance, now and always;

thou and thou only first in my heart,

high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

{ The superhero mask needed to make full brain radiation happen. }

You would need to drug me and knock me out to make this happen but this amazingly brave gal took it like a champ. 

No diagnoses, time frame or significant tragedy can take away what is rooted deep in your heart. It is the air we breathe, the truth that feeds our soul. Yes, we cry in expression for the sadness that haunts this long journey and we ask why, but in the end, we worship. We thank Jesus for how He has given us years beyond what should be with the amount of cancer my sister has fought. We thank Jesus for protecting her life as years of chemicals have gone into her body to slow down the beast growing inside. We praise Jesus for the faithfulness of His child who has been a witness to His greatness to many who don't know how and why we celebrate rather than mourn. 

I don't want to get caught up in the fact that My Hero will once again loose her hair. I don't want to get caught up in the fact that she won't see our kids graduate from high school or someday get married. Shoot, that fact that we have a timeline sucks in general. But, I know that God is bigger than any timeline, diagnoses or mountain any of us have to climb. 

We've said it from the beginning: Auntie will have healing here on earth or will be granted her heavenly healing where no pain; no cancer can touch her. 

High King of heaven, my victory won,

my I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

Traci, My Hero, thank you for your unfailing example of what a servants heart should look like, acts like and worships boldly while under distress. You make this journey that much easier by walking out your faithfulness believing in the Creator who gave you grace to walk every step needed to wholeness. I will live the rest of my life in attempts to be more like you. 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. 

1 Peter 2:9

A Mountain-Top Achievement

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

Psalm 119:32

I've never considered myself to be a strong mental runner as I find it easier to achieve distance with others rather than on my own. ( There are a few who think I'm mental for running just to make that clear. ) God had a funny way to show me how strong my mind was as seven months ago I ended up with a torn calf muscle and weeks stuck in a chair. There were many physical therapy appointments and a slow start to becoming active again, but finally, I was able to start my journey to train for what was the biggest physical achievement thus far in my life. 

The Sun Mountain Trail 50k.

31 miles of up and down intense grades, hillsides of orange, yellow and purple flowers, cattle gates to cross through, tree covered soft padded dirt trails, perfect weather conditions and familiar faces as we passed each other on the out and backs. I started with my small group of ladies and by mile ten the five of us were spaced out enough that I ran the rest of the race on my own. 

My mind was solid. My body felt strong. My legs just kept on running. 

I often thought about Habakkuk 3:19 as God challenges us to climb our own mountains, but to also pause and look at the beauty under our feet and to Praise Him. I prayed for so many people as I came in and out of trails especially my Grandma as she was waiting to enter Eternity. Oh how I thought about the memories we shared together and the rich life she lived. 

I thanked God for my sister who is my main reason why I run. The hundreds of appointments she's attended, the thousands of pills she's had to swallow and who knows how many pokes she's endured all in the name of survival. I praised God for our kids and the blessing they bring into my life. I praised God for My Love and how God knew exactly what I needed to keep me grounded and on my toes as we pass through our daily lives. 

There were many times I had to cross a wood bridge as a trickle of water flowed underneath. My thoughts went to the women I meet with as they desperately need a bridge to connect them from the dysfunction in a relationship to healing and redemption on the other side. And yet, from one side to the other, God gives us "streams of living water" to sustain us on our journeys. 

Over the months of training came months of interrupted nights as I juggled new baby, family, wife tasks and life with the challenge of getting all the miles necessary in for the week. This was not as much as a physical journey for me, but a juggling act of responsibilities. Thank you to my family and support system who cheered me on, encouraged me and allowed me just run. 

Myriam found a new weekly routine spending time with Papa every Wednesday when Linda and I would get lost in the woods. (..it may have happened, but I like to think of it as a misdirected trail that gave way to more quality time together...) Thank you Dad for enjoying your retirement to the fullest as Myriam continues to create memories with her Papa. 

One of the other greatest blessings that has come from this achievement is the example it set for our kids. Being able to show them that hard work, dedication and determination does pay off and obstacles that may seem impossible are actually quite possible. Addison blessed me immensely on race day sending me Bible verses and encouragement throughout the day. Tim spoke love and support to get my feet moving and the team from E2 was and is the most amazing extended family one could ask for. 

The Sunday after the race, those that stayed at the Lodge came together for church. It was a packed living room of foam rollers, coffee cups and adults sharing how the Holy Spirit had worked through them from the beginning of training to race day. By the end, not a dry eye could be found. The family I have found at E2 Fitness Center goes beyond the gym walls. This family provides support when I'm struggling, hope when I thought things were done, gifts to cheer a bad day into a happy day, prayers whenever I ask or laughter, whether it be a quick-funny-ha-ha laugh or make you cry laugh. The Sun Mountain 50k was very much a physical race, but after what was shared at church, God absolutely used the quiet opportunities of training on the trails to teach us, mold us, use us and to show us His plan, His purpose, His power and displaying His beauty exactly how each of us needed to see and hear His voice. 

On one of our last long training runs together, we had the blessing of being encouraged up on Sumas Mountain. Kyle had pre-marked our turns on the trail and left Bible verses hanging in ziplocks for us to read every few miles. Good run, bad run; ugly or not; feeling strong or feeling like you want to go back to bed...God speaks to each of us in different ways and Kyle used note cards to bless us that day. It's that family I feel so blessed to be apart of.

The friendship and faith that my small group ladies give me is something others are jealous of. I would be too looking in from the outside. These ladies are special. They are sisters in Christ and people who share everything together...things happen when you run for long distances and a sister helps out when needing coverage or tissues. Tim knows when I haven't had my small group time and does his best to give me that space as needed. I leave feeling uplifted, challenged, loved and cared for no matter the state I'm in. Thank you Christie, Jackie, Linda and Melissa for the life you breath into me and the richness you add to my everyday life. 

If I were to have one take-away from all of this it's this:

God is never done showing you what you are physically, mentally and emotionally capable of doing if you allow the Holy Spirit to enter a situation, task or struggle. Allow God to enter in and then...

run.

Until the next race journey...just not another ultra...but never say never!

"Hi Mom, this is Addi. I am doing this thing where I am going to send a Bible verse every hour so you can get through the race with encouragement! I love you so much!"

Be on your guard. Stand firm in your faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do everything in love."

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Phillippians 4:13

 { Check out more mid-race photos here...}

Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. 

Hebrews 12:1

"Keep it up you can do it" (mile 10)

I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to Life up there in heaven.

Phillippians 3:14

"Over half way babe!!! Do this!" - My Love

{ Some things must be done...including rockets. }
"Not sure where you are at mileage wise, but you are one mile closer than an hour ago! Keep fighting and remember His strength, your feet! Proud of you!"  -Traci, My Hero

I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got, no sloppy living for me!

1 Corinthians 9:26

"Doing great mom!" (mile 23)

"You got this Hun!" - My Love

Arise, for it is your task, and we are with you; be strong and do it.

Ezra 10:4

"Keep on going mom!"

{ C.Rene' Studios did a fabulous job capturing the day. }

They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not grow weary.

Isaiah 40:31

"Way to freaking go babe!"

{ My small group: a.k.a. my ladies. }

Yes, Indeed...

A Misdirected Moment of Pause

A new year. 

A new start. 

A new beginning. 

Sometimes that’s all one needs to turn the page to make the next step into something great. 

As a stay-at-home mama to three kiddos, having time to stop, take a deep breath and pause before taking the next step forward is hard to find. This past weekend, My Love gave me just that; a time to stop, pause, reflect and to have fun. I left home with my suitcase packed full of snow pants, snow boots, stocking hats and warm gloves with the expectation of a romantic get-away to Steamboat, CO. I had myself dressed in layers with childcare pre-arranged as Tim had organized the surprise of all surprises. Little did I know that I would be landing hours later, cozy wool socks on, in Kona, Hawaii!

{ Prepared for a snow storm. }

Sure enough, Tim pulled a good one on me (oh, yeah, our oldest was in on the surprise trip too!) as a month of secrets led to the weekend of rest with my dear, sweet friend Catherine, who had moved to Kona six months earlier. The shock was very much present even after five hours of processing over the ocean. The weekend began immediately as we stayed up until one in the morning catching up and chatting. That then led to a days worth of exploring, swimming and enjoying the presence of each other. The pause in life continued the next day as we parasailed 1200 feet up in the sky, paddle boarded over the turquoise seas, snorkeled with schools of colorful fish and hiked drop-off cliffs through the jungle. 

{ No boots required. }

{ I could only focus on one thing; turning & waving about 

made me dive into the deep blue. }

{ Living on the edge...technically climbing it. }

Life is demanding. Life refuses to stop; it can’t be put into slow motion through selected situations. We are given a choice to move forward or to rapidly make a U-turn unwilling to face what the road ahead looks like. Recently, I have felt overwhelmed with potentially new seasons and being able to clearly hear God’s voice as I want to obediently execute my purpose for His plan in my life. 

The push and pull of life has never felt so heavy than what it has been over the past few months. My husband saw this wearing on me and knew that no other Christmas gift would amount to what this weekend would bless me with, as for a brief moment, the strain from the push and pull paused; it fell silent. I’m leaving with clear direction, understanding and insight for the new year. I’m leaving with new experiences shared and tummies full from delicious meals and couch time snacks.

The challenge will come when I wake up back home and find the demands of life meeting me first thing in the morning. The decision to embrace the pause will come when the first panicked wife calls as she is faced with betrayal; when my sister’s doctor appointments fall short and report unwelcome news. The challenge to seek peace when the kids choose to button push and responsibilities of home schooling become present.

I feel more prepared for the road I’m on as 2016 is here and moving. My prayer is the push and pull of responsibilities and desire to fulfill my purpose in life doesn’t cloud the drive to His destination; the journey God has me on. I pray that I can pause a few more times to take in the sights, have some fun and let go of the burden not mine to carry.

And hey, if it takes another surprise trip to Kona in wool socks to dump some burdens, then let it be that Tim seeks a female to pack my suitcase next time rather than the awesome attempt he made. 

{ Layover in Portland made for a sweet sister visit & the 

random passing by of my MIL. }