Strapped but Not Held Down

Everyday I'm reminded how blessed I am regardless the chaos, noise or discomfort I experience during the day. My journey of discomfort began in November. When I had just been given clearance to do the thing I love so much to do and which keeps me grounded, I walked into a surgery yet again leaving me stuck in the reclining chair and at the mercy of many others. 

It feels like forever ago I had four drains stitched to my sides leaving me with very 

few options for clothing and comfort. 

My Mom and I ventured out weeks after surgery and ended up at Cheeks to try on clothes and feel somewhat normal. Nothing about having a drain baby makes you feel normal especially when you look four months preggers. Praise God I can laugh and not cry every time hard faces me. 

This will go down as a stellar Mother/Daughter date. 

It feels like forever ago someone had to bathe me and pour my coffee for me. I still can't run (big, long weary sigh) but I know I can. I can't lift weights but I know my body is strong. 

After weekly appointments at the University of Washington Medical center post surgery, things came to a screeching halt. The reconstructive surgery had been scheduled for April sixth giving my body one last final time to heal before the summer fun began and a fall race training schedule would need to resume. 

...Enter Covid-19...

I've later learned that many things came to a halt. My surgeon explained that in a matter of a day, her three surgeries went from normal waiting room procedures to two family members only and by the third surgery no one allowed in the waiting room... all in one day. She also shared how patients, recently diagnosed with breast cancer, were told to push pause on upcoming surgeries to remove cancer and to take extra chemotherapy until operating rooms opened up once again. 

My heart sunk.

I immediately thought back to when my sister was diagnosed and the fear surrounding something terminal growing in her body. Removing the cancer could not have happened any quicker. The fear knowing you have a detonated bomb ticking in your body is scary enough yet alone told to sit and be calm. 

For all the discomfort I experience with iron clad expanders that, as close to explaining, feels like a too small, too tight, broken down underwire bra, I can live a few more months for these terrified patients to have surgery first. (they're not really iron.)

Yes, the new surgery date throws off my well-thought out plans but given today's chaos, it could be worse. 

Our kids are healthy. 

Our home is safe. 

Our jobs secure. 

Our faith is solid. 

Our marriage thriving. 

Our gas tank is full. 

Our support system remains present. 

We still have our laughter. 

We still have the church.

We still have our health.

We will still have fun this summer. 

In all my time now at home, I've been able to purge many things from my computer creating additional space and storage. Having both preventive surgeries has cleared mind space where fear once lived. The computer was desperately in need of the same thing. One of the tasks has been to go through all the thousands of pictures I struggle to delete. In doing so, I ran across this picture of Tim and I from 2014 that, not only is hilariously fitting, but pretty much sums things up as of late. 

Our hands are full; our bellies full of laughter. 

It may feel like our countries situation is strapping many of us down with unexpected loss and freedom. The ability to worship together, visit with friends and shop at our favorite local stores halted. 

But God. 

God can not be strapped down, confined to a box or told He has boundaries. He is bigger than all our fears, doubts and delays in preventive surgeries. God has purpose in our waiting.

It does feel like forever ago when I last ran, but I know my time to run will be coming soon. Until then, I'll keep purging the photos, organizing my inbox and give thanks for all the things 

God has blessed our family with including being drain free. 

What are you thankful for today?

{ Having fun; making memories. }

{ I will burn this pillow when all said and done. }

{ No drains and finally free. }

{ Post-op covid style. }

A Slice of Humble Pie

{ Humble pie. }

One can prepare as best as possible for a substantial event, but the unknown elements create moments of humility that have, in turn, produced gratitude. Having another major surgery did that for me. 

I went in as emotionally sound as I could knowing there'd be triggers and memories that would surface from a decade of pain and hardship witnessing many of my family members face cancer. This journey has been to prevent cancer but the experience has been all too familiar. Leaving the kids the night before was torment; having them cared for by our family and friends made it easier. 

Being I had to stop eating and drinking by midnight, I filled up over a celebratory meal with My Love where we toasted God's goodness and faithfulness. Tim has been nothing short of being amazingly awesome, gentle, caring and patient in this recovery process. 

With the surgery time beginning late morning, it gave for hours of reflection and worry to set in. Our good friend drove south to sit with Tim during the six hour surgery. It's been because of our village that we've done this so well. 

Recovery has been filled with love and friendship from the willing childcare, surprise visits, endless meals and cards of well-wishes. Living in a small town has pros and cons but our family has seen the deep, genuine care of our community at its finest. 

Thank you seems small for how grateful we are.

{ Needed all the encouragement I could fester... }

My sister had these socks from her journey and I occasionally wear them when I need to do hard things. If there was one person, aside from my husband, to sit by my side, it would be my sister. Someone to calm my fears, tell me what it would be like and support our kids like she did so well. I set aside the provided hospital socks and demanded my Bad A** socks remain on throughout surgery. 

The only surprise of the day was Dr. Calhoun stating she would remove one lymph node from each side as precaution not reason. 

This felt too similar to Traci's story and the surprise procedure was enough set the tears into motion. Tears that went from fear to laughter before surgery.

Tim and I have found weekly lunch dates in all our trips to and from Seattle both before and after surgery. One of which had the perfectly stated message for us as Tim has truly carried me through this experience. 

When doctors warn you of T-rex arms, they really aren't joking. The range of motion and ability to do ANYTHING for yourself is immediately stripped away after a double mastectomy. 

Even breathing on my own was a burden for my body the first five hours after surgery resulting in Tim cautiously, but with great panic, reminding me to breath. Every minute and a half I felt a gentle tap on my hand and a voice telling me, "Breath hun, stay with me love."

Once the narcotics began filtering out of my body, Tim was able to relax a little bit. 

Going the bathroom, showering, getting dressed and the first few days, cutting my own food were all tasks I needed help with. Adjusting the eight pillows to find some level of comfort became Tim's specialty. He just knew what I needed, when I needed it. 

Around the clock care. 

Around the clock humility. 

I have been at the mercy of others and still remain here to some extent. 

{ My personal care taker. }

 { Recovery in action. }

My views of recovery have been watching my Mom clean our house, getting kids here and there, full seasons of all things Joanna Gaines and clinging to my mastectomy pillow on weekly trips to SCCA and UW Medical Center. I've mastered the art of sitting and frankly, found myself sick of it while watching Bakers vs. Fakers. While watching, a craving text to Tim became reality when he brought home two pies. 

Humble pie to match my journey of learning how to ask for help, accept helping hands and being okay with it. 

My recovery journey continues for a few more months and everyday I'm feeling stronger. I celebrate the little wins for the day and find myself so incredibly grateful for each prayer spoken on my behalf. 

Today's win... I washed my own hair. 

Intentional < Prevention = Surrender

I began the beginning of 2019 with a word full of purpose and anticipation for what would become the result of eleven single letters strung together. A word that would be the foundation to the decisions made, commitments had and reasons for saying "yes" or "no." 

{ I N T E N T I O N A L }

Done on purpose; deliberate, intended. 

Eleven letters that provided meaningful connections, ministry opportunities, family entertainment and deliberate laughter with those I love. From the big trips to the simple snuggles, focusing on being present in every moment became my motivation. God provided personal challenges that caused me to rely on Him more and desire to learn more about who I am as His child.

Summer was when I felt the shift begin. A shift of intentions and God introducing me to a new word that would come with uncomfortable situations, painful appointments and a deeper spiritual focus required to survive. 

{ P R E V E N T I O N }

I've spent time learning about prevention and the connection it has to the Bible. One online resource explains prevention as such:

"Prevent" occurs in the King James Version in the literal but obsolete sense of "to come or go before," "to anticipate," not in the sense of "to hinder." It is the translation of qadham, "to be sharp," "to be in front," "to be beforehand."  

For the past twelve years, I've had yearly mammograms to catch any precancerous tumors as a result of family history. A family history that has the University of Washington "excited" about building said family history tree going back generations deep with over six known cancers present. It's also led to two biopsies, days worth of worry and fear that can nearly paralyze oneself. Witnessing my sister and grandma's battle such an ugly beast looms before and during every screening appointment. 

"If these things exist in you, and continually increase, they prevent your being either idle or unfruitful in advancing towards a full knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."

2 Peter 1:8

Being intentional about my health led me to making steps to prevent destruction of my body. Together, Tim and I have had lengthy discussions about what this looks like. I've had numerous doctors review my charts, been on hold waiting for insurance approvals, scheduled and planned out of town appointments and now prepare for a disruption of normal routine. What I've done more of, is reflect on this word, prevention, and 

how it relates to faith. 

It's interesting to me how some words stand out as strong verbs, action words that cause movement in our heart, feet or minds. Other words inspire or encourage oneself. Many messages teach about following Jesus to secure our eternal life. We're taught how to live a good life using the Fruits of the Spirit and structure our lives with the Ten Commandments as boundaries. But rarely is the word prevention used to speak about eternal life. 

I can't help but think God is asking me to take more bold steps in preventing the opposite of eternal life; death. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I'm not sure I'm doing enough. Prevention from burning in hell. Prevention from corruption and disease. Prevention from mediocre faith. 

"For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, that you may not do the things that you desire."

Galatians 5:17

Am I teaching our kids enough about Who God is?
Am I being the example that leads them into a personal relationship with God the Father?
How is my life preventing others from doom?
What am I doing from preventing the world infiltrating our family walls?
Am I doing enough to prevent another marriage collapse?

My flesh is imperfect. My flesh can at times be sick. Going back to my original word, God has not only given me the ability to be intentional this year but He's walked with me in the beginning journey of being in front of, to anticipate, my flesh potentially causing harm.

When I was told I would need breast screening every six months for the next twenty years, my heart sank. My first biopsy was just a few months after my sister had passed with emotions far from stable as I processed grief. I would go to the ends of the earth to bring Traci back to hear her encouragement and have her hold my hand like I did hers. Cancer is not present in my body, but being intentional about my health and present for my family has resulted in an upcoming surgery to prevent an anticipated negative diagnoses.

Over the past couple months, through conversations with Tim and quiet time with God, a
new word has come to surface.

{ S U R R E N D E R }

I believe it's in the intentions of my time, preventing something from happening, that God is asking me to surrender my humility, levels of comfort and control of my schedule.

Robert Schuller says, "Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation." 

I want to be fully alive. I want to be fully engaged. I want to have spectacular preparations in place to achieve the best outcome in 2020. This means many will have to surrender on my behalf and I say thank you in advance to the many hands making it possible for our family to keep moving forward.

My heart is already in God's hands. I've surrendered my plans for His.

I pray God gives you a special word to give purpose in everyday He grants you life. 

I will continue to seek blessings; the intentional ones and those that greet me with a little surprise. 

God is so good. 

"By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible."

Hebrews 11:3

#ncctkjustusmarriagegetaway ... Just Us

{ Always my Hubs. Always his Wife. }

 

{ May 3-5, 2019 }

The Just Us Couples were welcomed back in La Conner, WA, this year with lots of sunshine and hospitality as almost 50 couples connected with each other, learned about their personalities and focused on marriage while playing, laughing and relaxing with others. We are incredibly blessed to be apart of a church that supports marriage between man and woman AND makes an effort to invest into marriage. I heard multiple times how peoples cheeks hurt from laughing all throughout the weekend. 

My only request of the couples this year as volunteered MC, was to set aside the hard stuff - the parts of marriage that had them stressed, fearful, nose deep in self-help books or buried deep in counseling. To remind their marriage how to laugh, connect with others and remember to have fun. Marriage is HARD WORK! 

The Just Us Getaways are to bring the fellowship and connection back into marriage, as well as connecting with other church couples. It's always fun to see the hands go up according to what service they attend since many sit on opposite sides of the church. Numerous times over the weekend we heard of new budding friendships and connections being made. 

The Just Us Team saw that as a win!

And to give you insight into who attends, we had the youngest couple being married just under two years, to the oldest couple just celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary! 

To best explain the weekend, I thought I'd just show you the belly laughs that were had and highlights from our 2nd Annual Just us Couples Getaway!

{ Follow #ncctkjustusmarriagegetaway to see more of the fun! }

{ Mark Warren hit it out of the park once again speaking into our 

personalities and how they affect our relationships. }

{ The Mix & Mingle B-I-N-G-O game proved success again resulting in peeps learning new things about each other, but also winning sweet prizes too! }

Our community once again blessed our couples with many donations for door prizes, game prizes and the coveted 1st place Amazing Race prize of a two-night stay at Semiahmoo Resort! Thank you to every business that greatly blessed so many couples. 

Shout out to Wood's Coffee for providing the caffeine all weekend long as well! 

{ Amy and her sweet tooth talents gave couples a punch of energy before the Just Us Amazing Race. }

 

 

 { We asked couples to dress up as noticeable couples... these were a few but clearly Joseph, Mary and sweet Baby Jesus won the Best Dressed prize to Jo Fish & Creativity! }

{ That's right. Shower caps, shaving cream and Cheese Puffs were just one of the Race Detours couples had to participate in. Blindfolded rubber band guns were another entertaining Race Challenge. }

 { Grooms had to locate their anniversary date while the brides sat in silence. Not sure which was harder! They later had to find their brides birthday while brides blew a bubble to connect the two dates. We had 29 couples participate in the Amazing Race! }

{ My Love & I on our Channel Lodge balcony before live streaming church and sharing in worship with all the couples. The Just Us Team debriefed at Whitey's BBQ making it now tradition to 

end our time together before heading home. }

A Day of Rescue

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Not yet."

These were the words my sister shared with me a month before she passed.
As we sat in Red Robin, laughing over the need for straws and beverage stabilization, her hands shook tempting the lemon drop to fall into her lap. Her body weakening; her spirit fiercely fighting. We decided to order multiple appetizers since we couldn't land on one dinner option leaving us with a table full of food and conversation for hours. I'm sure it looked ridiculous honestly. The disease had clearly taken a tole on her appearance and, for what I think was the first time outwardly, looked really sick. Regardless of how she felt, we were going to enjoy our time as sisters.
It was in these conversations where I remember asking if anything had changed and if she was ready. 

What I loved most about my sister was her ability to calm the weary supporter. The ability to relay a message of peace and firmly causing me to believe that only God can have control of her earthly timeline. I let her say her peace, but inside I knew things were changing. 

And here I sit, two years after my sweet sister gained her heavenly citizenship; grieved but not without joy, broken but whole, empty but have all that I need. 

There's not a day that goes by without a thought of my sister passing through a memory. A day that goes by without a longing to call and share the embarrassing moment or frustrating situation in parenting. I will always want more time, more hugs, more shaky dates with lemon drops and straws, but I realized in the process of my healing, that she needed a rescue more than I needed an earthly sister to stand by my side. 

God works all things for His glory, at the right time and with His purpose which points to His Kingdom and power. I believe it; I know it; I read the truth and rest in those promises. It's still hard. Heaven is more real now than has ever been before. Three grandparents and a sister in two years is far too much for one family to experience yet alone process with young ones. Death changes you. Grief rearranges your priorities and places a filter on life that is hard to understand when it's not personal and within reach of your sphere. Giving my grief words can be a challenge some days and when needed my tears speak for the lost communication. 

God heard my sisters request of her spirit growing faint to this earthly world and sent an army to rescue her from the physical suffering and torment the ravishing disease was doing to her body. What settles my deep longing to pull my sister from Heaven is knowing the impact still taking place through her story and how God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated her beautiful rescue. 

He heard her.

He saw her. 

He sheltered her. 

He defended her. 

He found her. 

I'm confident that my sisters words would not change if she could shout down from Heaven...

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Not yet."

Her message unwavering:
God is still good. 

Not every rescue looks the way we requested, planned or even want to experience. There is no goodbye willingly given to those you love. 

But, this I know... I needed a rescue as much as my sister received hers. 

God rescued me from intense grief, from a state of brokenness and loss that has turned to joy. 

God hears me, sees me, continues to shelter me and defend me. 

Today, I reflect on the moment my sisters hand slipped from mine and entered into the presence of God. 

Today, as a family, we remember the life that was lived with a contagious smile, laughter
and zest for adventure. 

I will raise my hands in worship, allow the tears to slip down my cheeks and embrace the army that has surrounded me here on earth separate from my sister. 

Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet sister... You still haven't left me. 

More Prayer; Less Judging

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is 

the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV

Let me first start off by saying, adoption is hard. I'm not pointing fingers at any given individual, but rather speaking in defense to the silent eyes, body language and labeling that happens when 
trauma speaks louder than words. 
This comes from a place of brokenness, and hearts that seek healing after being beat up and, at times, feeling like a prisoner to the trauma.

Adoption is a beautiful display of scripture in action. 
Tim and I knew God called us into adoption but we didn't have the scope of what that would take from us until years later. In all the training we have had from both our home study and obtaining our foster license, none of that prepared us for the ugly that trauma causes. The courses don't train you on how to respond to complete strangers gawking at your tantrumming child that appears to be undisciplined or having to execute a safety plan due to trauma becoming violent. There's no heart training when things said pierce a mother's heart, completely shattering her belief as a person and able parent. 

This past summer we have witnessed some of the hardest behaviors yet through words and actions and it nearly broke me. My ability to parent and love well was almost shredded. It has been painful to watch knowing so much of what is happening is spiritual and tied to generational sin. And worst yet is the secondary trauma that takes place in our other kids. I can tell you story after story of things that have happened all due to secondary trauma. Things like our Man Cub trying to protect his Mom when Myriam is hitting me, kicking me or saying things out of rage that she doesn't truly believe to be true. Confusion and bondage have her spewing hatred that has left stains on this Mama's heart. Bruises from the punches when anger needs to release itself. 
That is secondary trauma. 

I don't share that to scare you or to set off alarms. I'm simply stating reality in many adoptive homes. 

Trauma is unpredictable; it's real. Trauma is terrifying but can be comforted. Trauma can be the very thing that makes you want to give up and not continue to pray making you think it will never get any better. 

Things in Myriam's pregnancy were completely out of her control. Patterns of living were done so out of habit and generations of doing things a certain way. When we brought her home we immediately attached and grew as a family of five. Tim and I educated ourselves in adoption circles finding support through our church and other families who had adopted as well. 

Myriam has always been a busy little body walking by nine months and never not having a curiosity about everything. We love that about her, but it's also the thing that has gotten her into trouble. 

Last year at school was a challenge even before the first day of school. The transition into first grade was far from smooth and felt safety wasn't established until months into the school year. Our friend Micah has been a huge blessing meeting us weekly for "play time" or better known as occupational therapy. She was a wealth of knowledge and saw some of my most unpleasant moments. Those mornings she would greet me with chocolate treats and supportive hugs, never judging me for not having my crap together was the encouragement I needed to keep going.

Kryptos Hedera

My original plan was to just trim the ivy as it quickly crept into my view of the back yard sprouting across the window; the roots permanently attaching to whatever surface it came into contact with. It may be pretty to look at and provides a great ground cover, but this plant can also be extremely invasive.
As I methodically begin the task of trimming this vine and that one, I noticed the extensive damage it had done to our window trim, exterior walls and even the window itself. Without pausing, I quickly decided to rip the entire plant off the wall and out of the ground.
It became immediately apparent that I was not the only one upset about this vine being ripped out and angered by the decay it had done to our home. Massive black spiders with bodies the size of my thumb nail scampered out from the displaced vines; up the walls and every direction on the ground setting off alarm to the mild arachnophobia this bug hating gardener has.
I had never been so thankful to have the bottle of Home Defense than at this moment, turning the situation into a battle of spider vs. bug melter with a quick trigger finger ready to spray until death. I turned into a human spider killer that refused to let anything flinching move a single one of their eight legs.

The parallel of the ivy plant to sin is almost identical.
Did you know that ivy is originally referred to as hedera? There are about fifteen different species of the climbing or ground-creeping plant.
At a distance, the ivy climbing on a brick wall creates a variegated green garden or a ground foliage that covers the forest floor. When you step closer, what you see is the ivy choking out the tree it's taken hostage by the thick, invading vines or roots that have taken hold to the outside walls, in some cases, vines that have grown into attic spaces under siding ruining the integrity of a home.
Every time I attempted to rip the brown, sunlight-starved vines off our exterior walls, pieces of paint would be tore off as well.

"And the secrets of his heart will be laid bare. So he will fall down and worship God, exclaiming, "God is really among you!"
1 Corinthians 14:25

If You Say So...

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around Him and listening to the word of God, he saw at the water's edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. 

Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 

When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, "Put out into deep waters and let down the nets for a catch."

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. 

But because you say so, I will let down the nets."

When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break.

Luke 5:1-6

Jesus qualifies you for who you will become.

The life of Peter is a perfect example of this truth. Jesus saw this ordinary fisherman and immediately changed his name to one that means, the rock or a stone.

 "Jesus looked at him and said, "You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas" 
(which, when translated, is Peter)."
John 1:42

A name that speaks of firmness and perseverance; trustworthiness and devotion. 

What an incredible honor to have Jesus see into your heart and call you out on what's to come. Terrifying actually. Think about this...Jesus, the All Knowing, sees into Simon Peter's heart and calls out his obedience in front of large crowds knowing Simon Peter has the human nature to do otherwise. Simon Peter, after a long night on a rickety wooden boat without rain jackets, GPS systems, coast guard approved life vests and a hot thermos of coffee, is asked to go back and fish some more. I would imagine the man was exhausted, hungry, cold and wet and possibly physically sore from handling the vessel all night long. There were no cranes or jimmy-rigs to help bring the nets in the boat; this was completely done by strength alone. 

Then, Jesus says, "Put out into deep waters."

Honestly, I think I would have put up some fight, but Simon Peter was quick to the test and immediately responded with, "Because you say so."

Peter wasn't the only one who replied with "because you say so."

We read about Abraham in Genesis 22:1-4 being tested by God.

"Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about later."

Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out of the place God had told him about."

Sure thing, God. I'll just take my only son and get right on that.

He Provides

“And Abraham lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, behind him was a ram, caught in a thicket by his horns. And Abraham went and took the ram and offered it up as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called the name of that place, “The Lord will provide”; as it is said to this day, “ On this mount of the Lord it shall be provided.” 

Genesis 22:13-14

It is an undeniable truth: we live in a land rich with fertile soil providing crops for consumption and fuel for our animals; landscapes to explore and gaze at in all directions with heights from snow peaked mountains to ocean waves lapping on the sandy shorelines. Communities of neighbors and relatives engaging, nurturing and entertaining each other. God will need to hand pluck me from this community if He ever plans on me going somewhere else, as I’m not sure it gets any better, other than Heaven. 

These Four Words

April has been a month of reflection.

A reconciliation of what Jesus did for us on the cross. A reminder of anniversaries and birthdays. A reminder that eight years ago our marriage came to life. 

I find myself getting lost in thought going back ten years when we wheeled my sister into the operating room for her first surgery a week after receiving her cancer diagnoses. I can hear the words she spoke to me as I told her I loved her. I can see Tim with open arms ready to catch his bride as he surprised me at the hospital in Portland, I remember the first moments after surgery quickly brushing Traci's teeth before visitors came and can smell the Olive Garden dinner that fed the waiting room of friends and family. 

I look back at the first moments in the Mission House post surgery as Mom and I got Traci comfortable before I needed to head back home.

The Last Time I Held Her Hand

The last time I held my sisters hand was the first time she stood before her God and Maker. 

Cancer-free.

Complete.

Without pain or scars of her almost ten year journey with breast cancer. 

Surrounded by her family, she peacefully marched her way into glory. 

I say march because that's exactly what Traci did in those last hours here on earth. 

I was originally going to fly down to Portland Thursday morning, but my flight was cancelled the night before leaving me to drive the next morning. I got to Traci's apartment around 10:30am. Mom had told me about the confirmed liver failure a few days before and the turn of yellow in her skin, but seeing in person was much more prominent then I expected. 

Traci and I joked about how yellow was never her color. She said with her cute smirk, "Yeah, it's not my favorite either. It's not that bad though." She was always reassuring me she was okay. 

{ I'm not sure who looks more tired. Taken minutes after arriving to Portland. }

150 Times of Intentional Asking

Charlie and his Auntie Traci have a special relationship. One that connects them in a sixth sense. 

When one is having a bad day; so is the other. 

When one is struggling emotionally; so does the other.

There is such love, pride and joy in this relationship shared between these two. 

When Charlie started this school year he was proud to raise his hand on the first day of school asking for his classmates to pray for Auntie Traci. He was bold in his asking and it hasn't stopped. 

Multiple times a day, this third grade class prays for Auntie Traci. 

And how do we know it's been 150 times this nephew has asked for prayer? 

Well, he's kept a running tally at his desk. 

His Heart is Overseas

No matter how many times Tim travels to Cambodia, it's always these images that break me as a human, a mother and someone with a huge heart. This girl speaks so many things even though not a word was spoken. Her eyes tell stories; her location gives way to her reality. She doesn't know any different; may never get the chance to see past her village walls. 

And yet, what you do see is joy; contentment; family. 

It is in almost everyone you meet that shares this hospitality and love. 

The purpose of this trip was to support New Life Church in hosting another marriage conference with speakers, Hans & Star Molegraaf, from Marriage Revolution. Last fall Hans flew with Tim and I, fell in love with the people and was quick to say yes to another conference. Before this conference, there was a little bit of getting a lay of the land as both Star and Erik Vanderpol, employee and friend of Tim's, had never been to this side of God's creation. 

Indestructible

There are people who crumble with a paper cut experiencing tears for days and
needing band-aid changes to dress the wound. 

People who collapse with emotional pressure or fearing the worst case scenario, paralyzing them from ever experiencing life.

Then you have those that rise above the bad news and become shining stars. 

That's my sister...

Traci Lynn Van Dyken. 

Traci has experienced far worse then paper cuts under going multiple surgeries to cut the disease out of her body. Scars that show the journey she's been triumphing on over the course of almost ten years. With every blood draw she receives the pressure of results showing success or defeat. Continual chemotherapy treatments to maintain the progress or to treat aggressively what has taken over her body. Recently, giving up three weeks to full brain radiation to treat the progression of the disease in her eye and brain. The unfortunate part of treating this one area is that the other areas were left untouched. Since then, the tumor markers have traveled over a total of five hundred points higher and an obvious shortness of breath slows My Hero's steps. Scans confirm that the cancer has grown in her liver and lungs.

Over the Bridges & Through the Streets to Downtown We Had to Go

With all three weeks of full brain radiation completed, Traci needed some open air, a break from cabin fever and a little exploring with her sister before starting chemotherapy once again. 

Miss Bee and I took to I-5 Wednesday morning leaving Daddy in charge of getting the three kids to their appropriate schools. He did me proud with keeping the house clean, kids fed and making sure no one missed the bus. It was a nice little break from the normal for me while being able to spend some sweet moments with My Hero. 

Our time together was mainly spent eating which began at Menchies for dinner followed by the many leftover meals that had been delivered to Traci. She hasn't been able to drive due to the eye tumor creating depth perception issues as well as it looking like she's seeing out of a bubble. For safety reasons she hung up her keys until the issues resolve which has led to her becoming STIR CRAZY sitting at home! We took to the town to help her breath in some fresh air. 

Thursday started by celebrating National Coffee Day with our Starbucks and free Krispie Kreme coffee and donuts. Shameful, we just wanted the donuts. Miss Bee quite enjoyed herself fisting the doughy goodness too. Our next stop was Powell's as we are both book lovers of all kinds. The children's section is bright, colorful, inviting and a place all our kids have come to love. Good thing we had budgets or we'd leave with hundreds of dollars worth in new books! With Traci's background being a preschool teacher she sees quality in every single book and has a favorites list about a mile long. 

Be Thou Her Vision

Today marks another new normal; another adventure yet to be experienced; another treatment not yet had. She's scared, nervous, anxious; possibly even hesitant. The start of a three week radiation treatment in attempts to eradicate the brain tumors and eye tumors found from what was thought to just be a side effect of the ongoing chemotherapy Traci has been receiving. 

It started with blurry vision, much like seeing out of a water glass, and a green tint out of the left eye. I ventured down to Portland to assist in getting Traci to her Friday appointments along with Charlie and Miss Bee. 

After a simple examination of the eye, the doctor kept on ordering a few more tests just to make sure he had a good idea what was going on. That was my cue that something was wrong. During the eye ultrasound I pointedly said to the doctor, "We've been doing this cancer thing for over nine years. If you're looking for a tumor just say so." 

It was after that, we saw another specialist and heard the words:

metastatic eye tumors.

Our hearts sunk a wee bit. 

Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

naught be all else to me, save that thou art

thou my best thought, by day or by night;

waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.

{ Never a chemotherapy alone. }

Disappointment was heavy on my heart watching and listening to My Hero displace the facts that we had just heard, for the possibility of these new tumors still being just a side effect of her treatments. I had the unfortunate job of telling Dad the truth over the phone and later together we told Mom. This has been the journey from the beginning of extreme ups and deep lows. The only constant in all of this has been Jesus. 

Be thou my wisdom, and thou my rue word;

I ever with thee and thou with me, lord.

Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,

thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.

This past summer I went through a Bible study about worship. What kept coming to mind was how beautifully Traci has been able to worship through every mountain placed in front of her. No matter what the challenge, hurdle or test she walks into, she walks firmly rooted in the truth that God is still so good. I think about Abraham when he was leading his son up the mountain to make a sacrifice to God. His faithfulness overcame the devastation of what he might have had to do. I think about Job as he had tragedy after tragedy plague his life but he continued to remain faithful. The journey Moses had leading his people to the promised land. Worship is an incredibly strong theme throughout the Bible and Traci's life is no different. She remains faithful; she remains consistent in her Foundation. God remains good even though all else may seem chaotic and terrifying. 

Riches I heed not, no vain, empty praise;

thou mine inheritance, now and always;

thou and thou only first in my heart,

high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.

{ The superhero mask needed to make full brain radiation happen. }

You would need to drug me and knock me out to make this happen but this amazingly brave gal took it like a champ. 

No diagnoses, time frame or significant tragedy can take away what is rooted deep in your heart. It is the air we breathe, the truth that feeds our soul. Yes, we cry in expression for the sadness that haunts this long journey and we ask why, but in the end, we worship. We thank Jesus for how He has given us years beyond what should be with the amount of cancer my sister has fought. We thank Jesus for protecting her life as years of chemicals have gone into her body to slow down the beast growing inside. We praise Jesus for the faithfulness of His child who has been a witness to His greatness to many who don't know how and why we celebrate rather than mourn. 

I don't want to get caught up in the fact that My Hero will once again loose her hair. I don't want to get caught up in the fact that she won't see our kids graduate from high school or someday get married. Shoot, that fact that we have a timeline sucks in general. But, I know that God is bigger than any timeline, diagnoses or mountain any of us have to climb. 

We've said it from the beginning: Auntie will have healing here on earth or will be granted her heavenly healing where no pain; no cancer can touch her. 

High King of heaven, my victory won,

my I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

Traci, My Hero, thank you for your unfailing example of what a servants heart should look like, acts like and worships boldly while under distress. You make this journey that much easier by walking out your faithfulness believing in the Creator who gave you grace to walk every step needed to wholeness. I will live the rest of my life in attempts to be more like you. 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. 

1 Peter 2:9

A Mountain-Top Achievement

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free."

Psalm 119:32

I've never considered myself to be a strong mental runner as I find it easier to achieve distance with others rather than on my own. ( There are a few who think I'm mental for running just to make that clear. ) God had a funny way to show me how strong my mind was as seven months ago I ended up with a torn calf muscle and weeks stuck in a chair. There were many physical therapy appointments and a slow start to becoming active again, but finally, I was able to start my journey to train for what was the biggest physical achievement thus far in my life. 

The Sun Mountain Trail 50k.

31 miles of up and down intense grades, hillsides of orange, yellow and purple flowers, cattle gates to cross through, tree covered soft padded dirt trails, perfect weather conditions and familiar faces as we passed each other on the out and backs. I started with my small group of ladies and by mile ten the five of us were spaced out enough that I ran the rest of the race on my own. 

My mind was solid. My body felt strong. My legs just kept on running. 

I often thought about Habakkuk 3:19 as God challenges us to climb our own mountains, but to also pause and look at the beauty under our feet and to Praise Him. I prayed for so many people as I came in and out of trails especially my Grandma as she was waiting to enter Eternity. Oh how I thought about the memories we shared together and the rich life she lived. 

I thanked God for my sister who is my main reason why I run. The hundreds of appointments she's attended, the thousands of pills she's had to swallow and who knows how many pokes she's endured all in the name of survival. I praised God for our kids and the blessing they bring into my life. I praised God for My Love and how God knew exactly what I needed to keep me grounded and on my toes as we pass through our daily lives. 

There were many times I had to cross a wood bridge as a trickle of water flowed underneath. My thoughts went to the women I meet with as they desperately need a bridge to connect them from the dysfunction in a relationship to healing and redemption on the other side. And yet, from one side to the other, God gives us "streams of living water" to sustain us on our journeys. 

Over the months of training came months of interrupted nights as I juggled new baby, family, wife tasks and life with the challenge of getting all the miles necessary in for the week. This was not as much as a physical journey for me, but a juggling act of responsibilities. Thank you to my family and support system who cheered me on, encouraged me and allowed me just run. 

Myriam found a new weekly routine spending time with Papa every Wednesday when Linda and I would get lost in the woods. (..it may have happened, but I like to think of it as a misdirected trail that gave way to more quality time together...) Thank you Dad for enjoying your retirement to the fullest as Myriam continues to create memories with her Papa. 

One of the other greatest blessings that has come from this achievement is the example it set for our kids. Being able to show them that hard work, dedication and determination does pay off and obstacles that may seem impossible are actually quite possible. Addison blessed me immensely on race day sending me Bible verses and encouragement throughout the day. Tim spoke love and support to get my feet moving and the team from E2 was and is the most amazing extended family one could ask for. 

The Sunday after the race, those that stayed at the Lodge came together for church. It was a packed living room of foam rollers, coffee cups and adults sharing how the Holy Spirit had worked through them from the beginning of training to race day. By the end, not a dry eye could be found. The family I have found at E2 Fitness Center goes beyond the gym walls. This family provides support when I'm struggling, hope when I thought things were done, gifts to cheer a bad day into a happy day, prayers whenever I ask or laughter, whether it be a quick-funny-ha-ha laugh or make you cry laugh. The Sun Mountain 50k was very much a physical race, but after what was shared at church, God absolutely used the quiet opportunities of training on the trails to teach us, mold us, use us and to show us His plan, His purpose, His power and displaying His beauty exactly how each of us needed to see and hear His voice. 

On one of our last long training runs together, we had the blessing of being encouraged up on Sumas Mountain. Kyle had pre-marked our turns on the trail and left Bible verses hanging in ziplocks for us to read every few miles. Good run, bad run; ugly or not; feeling strong or feeling like you want to go back to bed...God speaks to each of us in different ways and Kyle used note cards to bless us that day. It's that family I feel so blessed to be apart of.

The friendship and faith that my small group ladies give me is something others are jealous of. I would be too looking in from the outside. These ladies are special. They are sisters in Christ and people who share everything together...things happen when you run for long distances and a sister helps out when needing coverage or tissues. Tim knows when I haven't had my small group time and does his best to give me that space as needed. I leave feeling uplifted, challenged, loved and cared for no matter the state I'm in. Thank you Christie, Jackie, Linda and Melissa for the life you breath into me and the richness you add to my everyday life. 

If I were to have one take-away from all of this it's this:

God is never done showing you what you are physically, mentally and emotionally capable of doing if you allow the Holy Spirit to enter a situation, task or struggle. Allow God to enter in and then...

run.

Until the next race journey...just not another ultra...but never say never!

"Hi Mom, this is Addi. I am doing this thing where I am going to send a Bible verse every hour so you can get through the race with encouragement! I love you so much!"

Be on your guard. Stand firm in your faith. Be courageous. Be strong. Do everything in love."

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Phillippians 4:13

 { Check out more mid-race photos here...}

Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. 

Hebrews 12:1

"Keep it up you can do it" (mile 10)

I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to Life up there in heaven.

Phillippians 3:14

"Over half way babe!!! Do this!" - My Love

{ Some things must be done...including rockets. }
"Not sure where you are at mileage wise, but you are one mile closer than an hour ago! Keep fighting and remember His strength, your feet! Proud of you!"  -Traci, My Hero

I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got, no sloppy living for me!

1 Corinthians 9:26

"Doing great mom!" (mile 23)

"You got this Hun!" - My Love

Arise, for it is your task, and we are with you; be strong and do it.

Ezra 10:4

"Keep on going mom!"

{ C.Rene' Studios did a fabulous job capturing the day. }

They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not grow weary.

Isaiah 40:31

"Way to freaking go babe!"

{ My small group: a.k.a. my ladies. }