More Prayer; Less Judging

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is 

the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ESV

Let me first start off by saying, adoption is hard. I'm not pointing fingers at any given individual, but rather speaking in defense to the silent eyes, body language and labeling that happens when 
trauma speaks louder than words. 
This comes from a place of brokenness, and hearts that seek healing after being beat up and, at times, feeling like a prisoner to the trauma.

Adoption is a beautiful display of scripture in action. 
Tim and I knew God called us into adoption but we didn't have the scope of what that would take from us until years later. In all the training we have had from both our home study and obtaining our foster license, none of that prepared us for the ugly that trauma causes. The courses don't train you on how to respond to complete strangers gawking at your tantrumming child that appears to be undisciplined or having to execute a safety plan due to trauma becoming violent. There's no heart training when things said pierce a mother's heart, completely shattering her belief as a person and able parent. 

This past summer we have witnessed some of the hardest behaviors yet through words and actions and it nearly broke me. My ability to parent and love well was almost shredded. It has been painful to watch knowing so much of what is happening is spiritual and tied to generational sin. And worst yet is the secondary trauma that takes place in our other kids. I can tell you story after story of things that have happened all due to secondary trauma. Things like our Man Cub trying to protect his Mom when Myriam is hitting me, kicking me or saying things out of rage that she doesn't truly believe to be true. Confusion and bondage have her spewing hatred that has left stains on this Mama's heart. Bruises from the punches when anger needs to release itself. 
That is secondary trauma. 

I don't share that to scare you or to set off alarms. I'm simply stating reality in many adoptive homes. 

Trauma is unpredictable; it's real. Trauma is terrifying but can be comforted. Trauma can be the very thing that makes you want to give up and not continue to pray making you think it will never get any better. 

Things in Myriam's pregnancy were completely out of her control. Patterns of living were done so out of habit and generations of doing things a certain way. When we brought her home we immediately attached and grew as a family of five. Tim and I educated ourselves in adoption circles finding support through our church and other families who had adopted as well. 

Myriam has always been a busy little body walking by nine months and never not having a curiosity about everything. We love that about her, but it's also the thing that has gotten her into trouble. 

Last year at school was a challenge even before the first day of school. The transition into first grade was far from smooth and felt safety wasn't established until months into the school year. Our friend Micah has been a huge blessing meeting us weekly for "play time" or better known as occupational therapy. She was a wealth of knowledge and saw some of my most unpleasant moments. Those mornings she would greet me with chocolate treats and supportive hugs, never judging me for not having my crap together was the encouragement I needed to keep going.

This past year I met with Joy who gave me such a gift. She spent two hours praying over Myriam as we together agreed to break ties to ungodly beliefs and generational sin. We demanded that any and all attacks of the Enemy be sent away. What I was left with, was a spirit of power that has helped us not stop praying those prayers over not just our Myriam, but our household. 

Adoption brings stories of the past that you may never have any insight or understanding of. Kids from foster care come from a state of confusion and abuse that they themselves don't even understand. What appears to be healthy on the outside, has the minds of the littles stumbling over grief and 
loss they are too young to understand. 

It was through this gift of prayer that my perspective on trauma changed. I wish I could say the behavior changed instantly but that wasn't God's plan yet. This past summer we met with a phenomenal doctor from Children's Hospital that blew both Tim and I away with his understanding of our situation. He had no judgment towards our frustrations and gave us direction in which to move forward. 

Most people would not know who Karyn Purvis is but in the adoption circle she is the trauma guru. Pooling all her information and through prayer and specialists, we have now gotten to a place where we can confidently say God is actively healing trauma from our little girls pregnancy. 

The growth we've seen this school year alone has been off the charts. Teachers, principals and other aides that interact with Myriam daily can't believe the change from last year alone. She's graduated from speech therapy, jumped from level 3 to 6 in a matter of weeks, labeling emotions and correcting herself in moments of making bad choices. In two weeks alone she's come home with awards for being kind to others and displaying great sportsmanship!!!

THIS IS THE POWER OF PRAYER!!!

God has been so good and this people, is why there needs to be less judging and more prayer. 

You can't begin to understand why the kid at the grocery store is acting out or running down the aisles. Maybe there is a sensory need that was over stimulated by the lights that triggered a negative response or a memory from the child's past that brought fight or flight to the surface. A child at school napping mid-day should not be judged because you don't know if they fight insomnia or possibly were kept up from parents fighting all night long. When a child sees his parent holding someone else's baby you can't begin to understand the fear they may struggle with thinking they'll be replaced. And when that child acted up and was disciplined, you can't begin to unpack the fear of being sent back to the orphanage they were adopted from. These behaviors all look like children who "just need more discipline" but little do you know that a spanking may trigger the abuse they suffered from a parent resulting in them now being in foster care. Prayers at night for a tummy mommy to get healthy again so that child can move back home; prayers for their new family to 
start looking more like they do. 

This is trauma. This is real. This is what many of our adoptive families struggle with and all of the above have been experienced personally or by close adoptive friends. 

This is what we have struggled with and can testify to God's faithfulness in giving us grace, redo's, humility in saying it's messy and arms to always forgive. God has given us tools to correct, prayers and permission to call out spiritual warfare, eyes to see what exactly is behind the action and a community that accepts and encourages us when we are simply exhausted. 

In a society that has all been affected by trauma, can we please stop judging each other? You don't know why the reaction until you ask and even if you never find the courage to ask or have permission to know that story, just stop judging the behavior. Offer to help the mother struggling to load her groceries in the car. Extend help to the neighbor who needs some yard work done. Stop looking when a kid is sprawled out on the Target floor or throwing punches like she's fighting in the UFC Saturday night fight. Running under clothing isles can be a protective mechanism not a game of hide and seek. 

Just pray. Replace the rolling eyes with a simple prayer for strength and healing. 

It has been overwhelming to witness the change, even within our own family, when we stopped judging and started praying more. And by judging, I mean myself as a qualified mother who often gets it so off point. 

Adoption is an honor. Adoption is hard. But, adoption is rewarding. 
Please commit to pray with us, and for so many others, that God would give us eyes to see His children as He sees them and for healing to continue as God conquers over the broken and wounded.