Dysfunctional communication.
Intimacy misplaced.
Secrets locked in hidden places.
Submission abused.
Disoriented expectations of marriage expressed.
Same struggles. Different culture. Same goals. Different expectations.
There is no difference in the struggles marriages in Cambodia cope with than those dealt with in America. Our cultures are vastly different making the goal of a fulfilled marriage much more challenging as expectations are not met and simple lessons not taught. Understanding a little of the culture will prove the success of what happened last weekend as we invited Hans Molegraaf from Marriage Revolution, to speak at New Life Church in Phnon Penh.
In order to best learn about the culture marriages live in, I had to ask lots of questions. What I learned was that essentially, marriages are set up for failure. Men are free to live out their sexual desires, but women are expected to stay pure until they wed. Communication is unannounced and conversations are simply non-existent. If you have anything positive or negative to say, it's just not said at all. Holding hands in public is not accepted and even within the home, intimacy on a playful note is not familiar to this culture. Most families sleep in the same room making sexual tension creatively impossible. Much of the young marriages have no example to follow as many of the generation before was lost in the war. Divorce is uncommon as it's expected of you to stay in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage rather than divorce.
This is a set up for complete failure. Far from God's intentions of marriage.
I don't believe for a minute that those married want to live like this. I believe it's because they don't know any better or have been taught anything other than what they know. That's what made this weekend so incredible.
Tim and I both knew that we we're called to lead a marriage conference in Cambodia. We also knew there were others better than ourselves to make it happen. The layout of the conference was broken into a few sessions; one for just pastors and leaders of the local church. Tim and I offered support, friendship and prayer as we allowed Hans to share what he's been taught through his marriage. His message is simple: It all relates back to Christ.
What we experienced after the first session brought us to tears. First, was the unashamed worship resulting in many crying out to God, praying, shouting and singing in many voices to a God that some have just been introduced to and others known for a few years. There was no fear of singing a wrong note, worry about hands held high for too long or boundaries of staying in your seat. It's been awhile where I was brought to tears watching others worship; I can best sum this up by saying it was genuinely unique.
As Hans found his groove pausing for the translator and keeping his thoughts in order, couples quickly flipped through the pages of notes we had printed for them. It didn't take long to engage these folks. They were hungry for marriage education even if we did ask them to work through awkward projects turning face to face with each other. After the first project, we saw tears, hand holding, a spark being lit and men comforting their spouses. Pastor Sophea asked for couples to share what they had learned after the first session...unreal. I quickly joined in, sharing a few tears of joy, only a few hours into the conference. God was already working in the hearts of the couples in attendance.
Hans continued to passionately share with a group of Life Giving Network (LGN) pastors and their wives the next morning and again that evening to the entire group. I had noticed one women struggling during worship in the small group gathered. As Hans spoke about accountability among pastors and how to maintain community when in a place of leadership, my heart gravitated towards the women in supporting roles. There were intense interactive conversations and confessions coming into the open and being shared. An extremely powerful time as they learned that community was found together and with each other.
Later that night, the content was more about the roles of a husband and wife; not an easy topic in this culture. I was able to share a little about how forgiveness played an important role towards my submission to my husband. First, as I was submitting to Christ, and secondly, how in the act of being obedient to Christ, I extended forgiveness to Tim. This then led to more one on one time as couples shared with one another; where more healing was taking place.
One woman shared that she never seeks counsel with her husband and wants to help him be a better leader which means she needs to seek advice from him and listen to his ideas.
Another woman said she now feels she has the power to speak in boldness, in Christ, to her husband when he's being abusive.
A young man stood up and shared with the group how he only ever shares the negative issues with his wife and felt guilty for not speaking
into her; encouraging her.
Another guy stood up, his wife by his side, and said he has never spoken a word of encouragement to his wife before and wants to change that.
Many couples commented that they now see they need to give each other forgiveness in one area or another after harboring bitterness for a long time.
A few told me they were excited to go home and tape the project instructions to their walls so they could continue the work once home.
After a time where couples were asked to pray together; face to face, holding hands and asking for forgiveness, I noticed one couple struggling to speak yet alone face each other. It was the same lady that had tears streaming down her face the day before. I silently sat in front praying for them as I tried to examine their faces. I couldn't take it any longer and walked over to them.
Pain is a universal language.
This wife was experiencing the pain of betrayal and struggling with how to navigate the emotions that were overwhelming her. I was honored to share a little of my heart with them together and pray over them as a couple. It was a beautiful thing to see this relationship find traction in healing together and learning ways to communicate with each other as both husband and wife were given new tools to implement within their marriage. Being apart of this couple expressing the desire to reconcile their marriage was a highlight for Tim and I.
We take for granted that we can drive to a book store full of self-help and proclaimed step-by-step guidelines to fix our problems. The people in Cambodia have access to books, but many have not been taught to enjoy reading. It's on a must have, stand by rather than a hobby of choice. With poor communication and many just learning about Jesus, finding healthy marriages with a steady heart beat is rare. Watching many couples come alive; laughing together, praying tougher and diving head first into the painful projects was a bigger deal than words can express. You got a sense of healing taking place as couples sat alone seeking God to speak to them directly and also together as they worked through difficult topics. You saw husbands comforting their wives as they shared hard stories of the past. The prayer is these couples and pastors of out-skirted villages, will take the conference booklets back home and read them over and over. That they would continue to dig deeper into God's Word learning and seeking biblical counsel as applied to their marriage.
Tim and I felt honored to sit in the back and to be blessed attending Marriage Revolution as we sharpened our own marriage. We thoroughly enjoyed getting to know Hans on a personal level and to see God work in his heart as he offered his story to strangers. The impact of a stronger marriage will influence all the young kids that scattered under our noses. The newly married and those expecting were given great advice and encouragement that will set them up for success to example to their own families. To witness this was a gift. In a society that hears and sees much about separation, divorce and discontentment, this was a glimpse of hope that Cambodia will someday have healthy marriages, strong Christ-centered marriages from border to border.
Same problems. Same struggles. Different area of the world.
Our need for Jesus to be the true foundation, vibrant and alive in all our marriages is very much the same.
Our marriage is a testimony to many who prayed for us and to a God that saves all that is good; all that is ugly. Nothing stands unworthy of His grace.
