A Day of Rescue

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Not yet."

These were the words my sister shared with me a month before she passed.
As we sat in Red Robin, laughing over the need for straws and beverage stabilization, her hands shook tempting the lemon drop to fall into her lap. Her body weakening; her spirit fiercely fighting. We decided to order multiple appetizers since we couldn't land on one dinner option leaving us with a table full of food and conversation for hours. I'm sure it looked ridiculous honestly. The disease had clearly taken a tole on her appearance and, for what I think was the first time outwardly, looked really sick. Regardless of how she felt, we were going to enjoy our time as sisters.
It was in these conversations where I remember asking if anything had changed and if she was ready. 

What I loved most about my sister was her ability to calm the weary supporter. The ability to relay a message of peace and firmly causing me to believe that only God can have control of her earthly timeline. I let her say her peace, but inside I knew things were changing. 

And here I sit, two years after my sweet sister gained her heavenly citizenship; grieved but not without joy, broken but whole, empty but have all that I need. 

There's not a day that goes by without a thought of my sister passing through a memory. A day that goes by without a longing to call and share the embarrassing moment or frustrating situation in parenting. I will always want more time, more hugs, more shaky dates with lemon drops and straws, but I realized in the process of my healing, that she needed a rescue more than I needed an earthly sister to stand by my side. 

God works all things for His glory, at the right time and with His purpose which points to His Kingdom and power. I believe it; I know it; I read the truth and rest in those promises. It's still hard. Heaven is more real now than has ever been before. Three grandparents and a sister in two years is far too much for one family to experience yet alone process with young ones. Death changes you. Grief rearranges your priorities and places a filter on life that is hard to understand when it's not personal and within reach of your sphere. Giving my grief words can be a challenge some days and when needed my tears speak for the lost communication. 

God heard my sisters request of her spirit growing faint to this earthly world and sent an army to rescue her from the physical suffering and torment the ravishing disease was doing to her body. What settles my deep longing to pull my sister from Heaven is knowing the impact still taking place through her story and how God, in His infinite wisdom, orchestrated her beautiful rescue. 

He heard her.

He saw her. 

He sheltered her. 

He defended her. 

He found her. 

I'm confident that my sisters words would not change if she could shout down from Heaven...

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. Not yet."

Her message unwavering:
God is still good. 

Not every rescue looks the way we requested, planned or even want to experience. There is no goodbye willingly given to those you love. 

But, this I know... I needed a rescue as much as my sister received hers. 

God rescued me from intense grief, from a state of brokenness and loss that has turned to joy. 

God hears me, sees me, continues to shelter me and defend me. 

Today, I reflect on the moment my sisters hand slipped from mine and entered into the presence of God. 

Today, as a family, we remember the life that was lived with a contagious smile, laughter
and zest for adventure. 

I will raise my hands in worship, allow the tears to slip down my cheeks and embrace the army that has surrounded me here on earth separate from my sister. 

Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet sister... You still haven't left me. 

Rocking Into My Tenth State Race

{ Reclaimed Ministry Small Group Training }

I love how God connects people. 

This past October I was in Alabama for a women's retreat where I met Christie and many others from My Springs Church in Mississippi. After spending a weekend together, I was intrigued by Christie's story and then invited to run with her at the New Orleans Rock and Roll 1/2 Marathon. 

 It was just a year ago that Christie and her husband Gabe woke up to the smell of smoke raging through their home. With nearly nothing on their backs and being eight months pregnant with their third child, Christie and her husband grabbed their older two kids and raced outside. The home, a family estate with generations of memories, devastated to the foundation. 

And yet, Christie still smiles. 

A hero in my book. 

This past weekend I was able to stand in their newly constructed home, be greeted with huge hugs, given the full home tour by sweet Annabelle, and was witness to God's faithfulness to this sweet family after processing an incredibly challenging year. 

My friends, from My Springs Church, introduced me to fried pickles, catfish, hushpuppies, chicken and okra. My grease lined stomach sadly missed out on the fried Oreos! But not to worry... after a little ministry work and Reclaimed Small Group Training, Christie and I drove to New Orleans to run that race she had so graciously invited me to. Due to a bum knee, Christie was only able to run the 10k, but that didn't bother me. I was happy to accomplish another state goal and cross another finish line to gain my tenth state towards my 50 by 50! And by far the most flat race only climbing a grand total of 23 feet. Refreshing after that last race...

It was after the race I continued my fried foods tour and experienced the deliciously powdered beignet. Amazing. Olive Garden's dessert has no leg to stand on over the real deal! Thanks to both Christie and her friend Lauren, I was able to see much of the landscape in the land of beads, jazz and parades before boarding my flight home to the land of snow, winds and school cancellations. 

Thank you to those that greeted me with such love and open arms in Collins, and to my running buddies that allowed me to cheer, encourage and maybe push them through the finish line. 

{ Christie & Lauren: hosts & running buddies. }

{ Celebrating the 10th state. }

{ Race is done..time for Cafe Beignet! }

Our Puppy Child

Oh goodness. 

"Have a dog," they say.

"They're so fun," I was told.

"They're so easy," said no puppy dog owner ever.

Millie is now three months old, still not potty trained and has the energy of a sugar-crazed toddler 

on caffeine pills. 

There are moments during the day that this 2.5lb black, curly haired child will race down the hallway, perform laps under and around my bed, come back sprinting crazy 8's under our couch and then set on repeat until she finds a toe or sock to viciously attack. 

I've spent money I hate to admit to on this four-legged adorable "non family member" to provide pens to play in, pads to pee on and bones to chew all in attempts to train our puppy child. 

I've lost sleep when she had shots, spent too much time concerned over her reaction and allowed her to kiss me when I absolutely hate dog kisses. 

I've even caught myself retrieving the baby talk when she's bundled up tight in my arms thinking she's some human child that deserves such attention. 

What is happening to me...

The joy Millie brings to our kids...priceless. Well, clearly not free but worth it. 

Addison has held her weight caring for her puppy and has done a great job training Millie. Although not perfect, she's improving. As for the real baby of the family, she has no pads to pee on but that training continues as well. There is no shortage of hands to hold, toys to toss or attention given to our puppy child. With her get-up taking over our living room it's hard not too. 

But, it's also hard to resist such a cute face. 

The puppy project continues...

{ Cute she may be. She pooped here right after. }

Our Reading Table

I love books. I love the smell of them, the feel and could get lost in a bookstore for hours. Last year around this time I gave a book report and thought I'd let you know what I've been reading since then! Of course, the stack of books I'd love to get too is still growing and need for more always welcomed. Finding the time for reading quietly can be challenging with the balancing act of kids, marriage, life and ministry but I always try to get in some reading time daily... And now that I've entered the stage of life where prescription readers are a real deal I may as well look cute too while flipping the pages.
What are you reading these days? I'm always open for suggestions!

Arise, Beloved

by C.C. Evans Puglise

Arise, Beloved was a simple read with a punch of boldness, encouragement and words of motivation. I parked on chapter 7 for awhile as it really hit home for me. A great quick read!


Girl, Wash Your Face
by Rachel Hollis

Well, I went with the trend and bought my own copy of this and glad I did. It's already been passed on in hopes it motivates and inspires others as it did me. I found it a timely read that confirmed many things God had been doing in my life. An easy read, not too heavy, but deep enough to make you take a good look at your own life.

Sold On a Monday

by Kristina McMorris

Sadly, this is the only non self-help book I've read this past year. But, it was a good one for sure! I had been eyeing it at the local bookstore for awhile and when walking downtown on my own, I finally caved and purchased it. Based on true events, this books takes you back to hard times when you would do anything to better your children's lives.

Jesus Every Day

by Mary DeMuth

Triple Threat

Our little Bumblebee turned three. 

Baylee has fully embraced the idea of attitudes, tempers and being the baby of the family. 

 Regardless of the little Irish spice, Baylee is loved and adored by all of us. 

Her smarts continue to grow and mouth never stops moving until she falls asleep at night. The conversation flows throughout the day and if you don't respond, Baylee will give you the words to say back to her. "Say Ahhh...say WOW...say that's not right!"

She still loves her animals, fruit snacks, baby dolls and TV favorites Little Einstein, Cleo & Cuquin and PJ Masks. 

Papa and Addison are the favorite family members but everyone is usually welcomed, hugged and invited into Miss Bee's conversation. 

Birthday parties were low key this year as what three year old really remembers the cake, candles and gifts? Doesn't mean we didn't celebrate and wish the happiest of birthdays to our BumbleBee.

Happy Birthday sweet Bee...let's work on keeping the terrible three threat to a minimum!

 

 { Birthday Treats. }

 

{ Always right by our sides. }

{ Keep smiling lil' BumbleBee! }

The Puppy Project: Introducing Millie

For the past five years, one of our kids (mainly Addison) has requested a dog for Christmas. Tim and I have always had an easy out: Dad's allergic. Now, let me clarify. 

Tim grew up with dogs and I have never heard stories of him sneezing or complaints of him having allergic reactions to the multiple childhood pets that passed through the home. I have indeed seen him become irritated by dogs with allergy symptoms but again, haven't determined the extent of the dog allergy. I believe it was real for a purpose over the past five years to distract from the strong desire our kids have all had for pets. 

Beginning in November, Addison increased her efforts of owning a dog to the extreme. Tim challenged her to write a paper detailing the ownership responsibilities of having a pet. Sure, we've had a bunny and bird prior to today, but that's honestly nothing compared to the daily tasks of owning a dog. 

Addison took her challenge seriously emailing us a four page research/persuasive paper that had plagiarism at its finest. This girl explained types of dogs for children and those strongly discouraged, what type of ingredients to look for in food, discipline training options, benefits of owning a dog, potential dog sitters, name choices for both boy or girl puppies and so much more. Here's a taste of the opening lines...

"Today, we will be talking about why Horky J. Broersma needs a puppy. There are many, many reasons why she would need a dog, but today we are just going to talk about the main points.

So rumors have been going around that Ms. Horky’s father doesn’t think that she will take care of a dog and be responsible enough to take care of a dog. Well, Ms. Horky’s father, you better be listening to this right now because its about to get real. I have heard that Horky had a rabbit when she was younger, and that her father keeps bringing that up. Well, first of all, you can’t play with a rabbit. You can play with a dog though. Another reason that the rabbit did not work out was because it was an outside pet. Outside pets are always a bit less fun to take care of. "

Addison continued on with her rant as Tim and I read her hilarious display of desperation to own a dog. By the time we read The Puppy Project, Tim had already began the search for breeders of cavapoos which was clearly defined as the desired breed best suited for our family's needs. On our way down to Portland earlier this month, we called a local breeder and had Auntie Becky be our eyes on the then, five week old puppies. There were three girls to choose from and Auntie did a great job determining which was the most playful, adorable and engaged. That was the beginning of December...We now had the almost impossible task of not telling anyone, deleting any and all text threads or photos, and changing all passwords on all devices in order to cover our top secret puppy tracks in order to keep the surprise quiet. 

"So after all that we have gone over the basics of having a dog. The benefits of having a dog. More physical activity, less stress, reduce depression, improve heart health, improve social skills, and detect cancer sooner. We have also gone over the negatives of having a dog. Hiring pet sitters when you are away, costs, and cleaning. We have considered the best types of dogs for your family and the worst. We went over what having a dog will teach you. Patience, responsibility, socializing, loyalty, stay active, gratitude, and love unconditionally. We also went over the needs of a dog, and the best foods and toys.

Studies have shown that people are happier when they have a dog by their side( not just at someone else's house ). From my experience, everyone that I know with a dog, is so much happier and alive then anyone else. Dogs pick you up when you are down. They are there when you are need help. And they love you forever. Mr. Broersma, I hope that you take this into consideration, for the sake of your own amazing, precious ( at times ), beautiful children. Just think of how happy they will be."

Thank You

P.S. Dog spelled backwards is God, just going to point that out :)

As for the research paper, well, the first draft wasn't good enough for Tim so he pointed out holes in the paper that needed to be covered. Two hours later, Addison added another couple pages that turned up again, with more holes in the research. Now Addison is getting mad and the secret keepers are experiencing guilt for the clearly visible frustrations of stopping the puppy project dead in its tracks. 

The worst came when Baylee was opening a present from my parents which happened to be a stuffed puppy, food dish and all, that Papa and Nana agreed to pet sit. This caused Addi to leave the room angry and in tears. Her poor childhood heart crushed that her parental's are never going to let her have a dog...

Until Christmas Day. Being eight weeks old on the 29th, allowed us to place this Cavapoo fur ball into a small, carefully placed white box on the doorstep while Tim and I both covered the reaction on film.

Best kept Christmas surprise ever. 

Puppy Project complete...well, sort of. Tim created an official puppy contract that Addison later negotiated and made minor changes so that the dog was referred to as an equal in the family. Well played.

* One of the top two suggested girl names was Beasley from The Office. The Name has since changed being she looks more like a Millie :)

{ The original Puppy Project Contract. }

Now accepting puppy advice...or good carpet cleaners!

Hummingbird Kisses

A faint hum. A flutter of the wing. A hummingbird kiss hovering in the air.

The ability to beat the wing two hundred times in a single second. 

This is grief; a flutter of memories that holds hundreds of visuals of the one you love which are displayed in a single beat of the heart longing to be with those gone. 

{ 1980's Christmas }

I first experienced this the day my sister passed almost two years ago. As the sun was setting in a pink fire of a sky, hummingbirds greeted the porch that once fed them in multiple feeders on Traci's balcony. The pause of movement hovering before diving to the next destination. 

Many have sent text messages with images of hummingbirds staring them down outside a kitchen window as a reminder of the connection my sister had with the fascinating bird. 

A physical reminder that brought a memory to mind. 

The most significant being on a run with a girlfriend this past summer, 1200ft. in elevation, pausing at an overlook facing Mt. Baker and the valley below. A breathtaking display of God's creation that felt like a hands distance away. Our emotions were already in play as we began our run in tears and paused in reflection of what God had done in our lives. As I began to explain how I couldn't even come close to what heaven would be like compared to the view we had in front of us, a hummingbird came within arms reach; eye level, face to face, pausing for what felt like minutes. My body collapsed to the stone rock we stood on as the tears flooded my cheeks. A hummingbird kiss of desired touch, relationship and physical presence fluttered in front of me as if Traci herself, was there to tell me to get it going, stop you're fussing and get running. My girlfriend gently laid her hand on my shoulder praying through the grief left on that view point advantage. 

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all Your works and consider all your mighty deeds."

Psalm 77:11-12

Hauling out the Christmas decorations I, out of habit, went to grab my phone to call my sister and tell her Christmas was about to unleash throughout my house. Her name greeting me on the Christmas card list in harsh reality that I won't be sending her a card. 

The ornament hanging on the tree in memory of my sister not here in person to celebrate. 

Memories of decorating gingerbread houses together, discussing what gifts to buy for our parents, what crafts to make for teacher gifts and how to spoil the nieces and nephews have been in full view this month. It's hard not to remember the old... of not that long ago. 

One particular Christmas really stands out in my mind. My dad had just recently been diagnosed with prostate cancer. The weekend we found out all the details of his condition, I spent in Portland visiting Traci. She always had a list a mile long of things to do that if accomplished, would take the entire month to cross each one off. She was never shy of ideas to create memories. This weekend she took us (Tim, Addi & I) to the Grotto to see the beautiful displayed nativity scene carved in stone along with harmonic choirs in a tree light setting. There was a glimpse of fear in our conversation over Dad and tears shed as Daddy's girls were scared for his future. Little did we know four months later she would be facing a diagnoses herself. 

I also think back to Christmas of 2015 when us three kids tried to replicate an old childhood picture in our Christmas onesie pj's with perfectly cropped mullets. There was laughter that filled the living room seeing all of us in oversized, ridiculous pj's making the kids think we were all a bit crazy. 

And taking you really far back, the memories of red, plaid Christmas nightgowns with curly hair and three kids overly anxious to open presents with Mom slowly... washing... every... single... dish before we could even so much as touch a present to open. And of course, the kid picture in front of the tree or fireplace has to take place as well before the excitement of gifts begin. These are the flutters that cross my mind as I glance at our Christmas tree and see the hummingbird visit the feeder outside my window. 

"And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, "This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.""

Luke 22:19

Grief can be complicated, exhausting, unexpected and beautiful all in the same moment. I've been punched with grief when not expecting the tears to well up and then find myself laughing in the middle of a memory. I have promised myself that I will not give any ground for the Enemy to steal my joy and that also 

includes my joy in grief. 

Once a month, we remember what Christ did for us on the cross taking our sins upon Himself to then offer His children eternal salvation if we believe. A time to reflect, repent and remember ALL that Father God has done in our lives. Sure, for some this can be a time of extreme emotions and others a time of gratitude that extends through smiles and worship. Both displaying the act of remembering. We don't do this to get stuck on the fact that we are filthy sinners who don't deserve grace. We do this to remember the freedom we have through the cross. God has provided believers an expression to receive a hummingbird kiss. A moment to reflect on the ways God has rescued, redeemed and forgiven you in life. 

I am so thankful for the beauty of remembering. 

Sister, thank you for giving me so much to remember. 

Two hundred memories in a single second. 

Two hundred times two hundred more days I wish I had more with you. 

Two hundred ways to say I love you and miss you. 

Two hundred ways God gave you miracles that has inspired, encouraged and given me reason to smile. 

Hummingbird kisses. 

Flutters of memories displayed in mere seconds as a single tear quietly travels down my cheek. 

Merry Christmas Sister. You are always remembered.