This is my Marriage; I'm Not Ashamed

It can be the purple elephant in the room at times. As awkward as it is for others, it's not for me. It can be a subject never wanting to be talked about, but it should given the right time and opportunity. It can be stressful, embarrassing, and painful but it's not the way God intended it to be. My marriage is a beautiful relationship and I'm not ashamed of it or defined by the roads Tim and I have traveled over the past 11 years. 

This morning our pastor said something that struck me well...

"We are not responsible for the results; we are responsible for the story." 

It struck me for a few reasons. 

One: My story is mine alone to tell and it's up to me to share it when God prompts me to or when He gives opportunity to share. I can't change it no matter how much I may want to. God has no "cut and paste" when it comes to interweaving His hand in my life. Two: I can't make people listen or be influenced one way or the other by the events in my story. I have been commanded to share the good news and to not be ashamed by my faith and hope in Christ. Three: It's not about seeing the end result but rather how my story is a possible seed to someone else's story. I will never be able to change anyone alone but through the power of prayer and obedience one can change themselves. 

I love knowing that the burden of changing people is not on me but in the hands of the One who can change lives, bring people to repentance, and be the very reason to share a story. 

We are called to worship and to bring praise to God. My marriage has given me reason to dance, to sing, and to praise God for the miracle He did in my life through forgiveness and Tim's life through obedience and repentance.

A good friend on pastoral staff at church had said to me years ago that she saw Tim and I speaking at marriage conferences someday and changing marriages for the greater good. I laughed then but can now see how her prophecy over our lives has begun to unfold. I don't see myself as a counselor or marriage specialist. I see myself as a broken, sinful, and ugly person without Jesus but who desperately needs Jesus and the gift of salvation through the cross. It is by grace alone God's beauty, forgiveness, and mercy has shown itself in abundance in my life. I am just as sinful as the man next to me. After Catherine had shared with me her vision on our lives and the initial laugh of "yeah right???!!!!" it was then I shared with her the dream I had just encountered days earlier. You see, it was her prophecy that was given vision to me through a dream. A young couple desperate for insight and restoration had come to a marriage conference seeking common ground but with divorce papers signed and sealed ready for the post office if that goal was not found. It was after Tim and I had gotten done sharing our story that this young couple handed us their divorce packet asking for us to tear it up and throw it away as their marriage had found hope through our story. Shortly after these visions, Tim was prompted by the Holy Spirit to share his testimony at our church which was TERRIFYING, threatening, humiliating, and embarrassing as just our parents, siblings, and two close friends had known about the issues at hand. Not having the guts to sit and watch we opted for a family fun day up north as we weren't sure how to respond or more or less were to ashamed to sit with all eyes on us. Weeks after, the church had asked if I shared my side of the story through a short video testimony as well. The feeling again of thinking everyone was staring at you was upon me like the first few Sundays after Tim confessed to me. My flight risk that day was pretty darn high.

Our marriage went through an autopsy at church in front of many who very much like us, had extremely painful issues at hand. And just like us, the emotion of shame, humility, and rejection was very close at hand. It wasn't soon after that CBN had called the church to ask if they could video us and share our story with a broader audience. We reluctantly said yes with nerves, fears, and concerns for our little family as we simply wanted to protect ourselves but also be obedient to God's higher purpose. I had asked a neighbor friend to watch our little 2 month old and had the bigger kids over at friends for the entire day as the film crew said speak so that's what we did. The emotions were at our fingertips again as we had to trudge through the details of our past. You see, in our story we have many chapters and some began even before we said "I do." For Tim, his addiction was grandfathered into our "us" and was the very thing that caused our old marriage to die. It wasn't until the "seven year itch" that God finally won the battle over Tim's life and forever changed the course of our marriage. It wasn't just the "us" that was broken either....the crock pot died, the toaster broke, and the coffee pot had it's last brew as well. It was not a pleasant time. 

"We are not responsible for the results; we are responsible for the story."

My hearts passion today is to share hope with marriages that seem dark, worthless, filled with deceit and lies, that seem hopeless, and those that are lacking what God intended. It is my purpose to encourage wives to love their husbands even when loving them is the furthest thing on their agenda. Through my story I want to bring awareness to the raw issues at hand that 1 in every 2 couples struggle with in their relationships. I want women to WAKE UP and realize the temptation men face and how we can bring caution to them by the way we live our lives. I want to teach my kids self respect and bring light to the slimy ways of the devil as they grow, mature, and become adults. I want them to see themselves as temples of the Holy Spirit and how their bodies can bring glory to God through their words and actions. I wish for every marriage to have healthy communication, intense love and passion for one another, forgiveness for the big and small, and above all individual love for Christ as together they can be an unstoppable force for Christ. I pray for no woman to endure the sleepless nights and bone shattering pain I experienced. I wish for no woman to have to suffer the mental anguish and the lies the devil weaves into their thoughts. Thoughts of worthlessness, self doubt, shame, and rejection. I wish for no couple to be ashamed or to be defined by things of the past. I pray for hope for lost couples. I pray for restoration between husbands and wives. I pray for a new found love to blossom and become a tower of hope for other people around them including children who deserve to see marriage withstand a test and triumph by His grace. I pray that our story can be the thin thread of hope someone is looking for to give one more reason to keep loving, praying, and offering forgiveness to their spouse.
I praise God for the work He has done in my marriage. Just as a student endures years of education for a framed plaque on the wall, I pray that I too can continue my education of learning, growing, playing, and praying for my marriage. May we never again forget to give reason to love, learn and to work at making our marriage that best that it can be. The marriage that God intended it to be and the relationship we are blessed to share with each other. As it was sung at our wedding, "Grow old along with me. The best is yet to be." I am excited to see what the best will be and I pray with help from God, we would never be ashamed to tell others how good God has been to us.

So we continue to learn more about our marriage as we seek to find new ways to express our love to each other through our love languages and in our daily schedules. We give thanks as we continue to build up our marriage by learning more about God's purpose for marriage through scripture and the gifts God grants to those in marriage. We forgive. We love. We heal and we live without shame of how we became the "us" now. And maybe by just being "us" we can give hope to someone else's results and give glory to God for being the perfect author giving us the perfect story to tell.