Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
Psalm 139:16
This verse has become one that I park on often.
I sit in my chair having conversations with God about why some people have fewer days than others and why far too many can't even take their first breath before already fulfilling their ordained amount of days destined to live. I can honestly say that if I knew how many days left I had to live, I would live differently. Don't fool yourself - you would do the same.
I would take the time to update all the kids' scrapbooks (I'm a solid three years behind) and baby books (haven't even started Baylee's) writing them letters to read on their graduation day and wedding day (goals). I would organize my crap (it's called crafting; not crap) so others didn't have to filter through what I call treasure. I would travel with my family, take long walks with My Love, snuggle with my babies and stare at them all night long (yes, I would be creepy, weepy mom). I would sneak love notes throughout Tim's daily life so he would never forget his bride.
The reality is God knew life would become exceedingly far too much if we all had an expiration date stamped on our life that we could track until completion.
I officially have outlived my sister on this 38th birthday of mine.
13,870 days old.
I've lived 72 days longer than my big sister.
Traci knew her days were growing shorter, but never did she stop living.
She loved more. Laughed harder. Forgave quicker.
Death forces you to reevaluate your life. I've done more pondering, mediating and worshipping in the past year and half than I have in years. I've chosen to live like it could be my last.
I chose the word pursue for my word this year. To pursue my family more fiercely, to grow deeper in my faith, to pursue God's calling in my life more obediently and to learn to say no to noise and say yes to me. It's been an amazing year of growth and learning which has produced opportunities I never thought would be possible and challenges I never wanted to tackle.
Today I celebrate the pursuit of life because I can with dark chocolate cupcakes, running shoes, Bible Study and my little blessings that can make me laugh and cry all in the same moment. I celebrate knowing I am loved deeply by a man I never thought I was deserving of and have a family that would follow me around the world.
13,870 days of being loved well.
I pray God grants me another day tomorrow so I can love even more, laugh even harder, fight for my dreams with more passion and seek God with no boundaries. I will live every day forward with the inspiration I gained from being loved by my sister; she made and still makes me a better person.
Most importantly, I will live and celebrate knowing God pursued me long before I was even born, already having a purpose and passion calling placed in my life.
I was no mistake.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14
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