Our Renewed Vow

Five years ago, Tim and I were faced with the most challenging moments in our marriage. Satan had stolen our vows, tainted our marriage, and put me in an awkward position as Tim confessed to addictions and affairs. I was blindsided, broken, completely devastated and unsure of the very ground I stood on. Time froze, hearts bled, and my faith was tested beyond what I thought possible. I remember Tim accepting the grim reality and telling me he would respect whatever I chose to do not knowing how anything good could possibly come from this mess. 

After a near collapse in the kitchen, I drove to church where the breakdown began as the tears continued for days. God stripped me of everything comfortable, everything that I thought had defined me. That evening I showered in attempts to wash the filth off of me as I felt raped of my very being and now burdened of this sin Tim had been carrying around for years. His joy, became my sorrow, as he had made right with God and finally came clean before me. 

Despair overcame me. But, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I was flooded with peace and gentle arms to carry me over the most painful days ahead in our journey. 

Anything broken, takes time to rebuild. It took dedication, burning holes in the carpet praying, teaching, re-learning, and an abundance of grace, humility, forgiveness, and hope to get to this point in our marriage. 

When Tim used to sing in his quartet Realtime, he was asked to sing the popular song by Steven Curtis Chapman 'I Will Be Here.' I was thrilled as this song held history for us as a couple, but also, I knew every time he sung it, it would be sung to me. He ended up never singing the song following a series of excuses and diversions. I never understood then why until the confession came a year or so later. But, this past week, as we buried our feet in the sand and let the sun shine bright on our faces, Tim finally had the chance to sing to me. 

With a clear heart, transparency, honesty, and a passionate love for each other, we had the opportunity to renew our vows and recommit to one another again, of the love and devotion we share in our marriage. 

An opportunity to thank God for the miracle He has done in our vows and for saving a tragedy all to familiar with the world. Pastor Kim and Anne, who have been there from the beginning as Tim confessed to him, then said be ready to catch her, stood by our sides with the same fierce support and encouragement as they did in the moment of confession. It has been an honor to have them by our sides, guiding us and mentoring us both in our separate journeys towards complete healing. 

So, as I was busy writing my renewal vows, Tim was preparing with vocal warm ups as we shared in the most perfect day renewing our love for each other and proclaiming our marriage to be grounded in forgiveness and grace allowing God's love to shine through. It was absolutely perfect in every way and I wouldn't change a single day in our almost twelve years of marriage. God took us to our lowest point to bring Him the highest praise!

Tomorrow morning if you wake up

And the sun does not appear
I... I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I... I will be here

I will be here

When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I... I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I... I will be here

I will be here

And you can cry on my shoulder

When the mirror tells us we're older

I will hold you

And I will be here

To watch you grow in beauty

And tell you all the things you are to me

I will be here

I will be true to the promise I have made

To you and to the One who gave you to me

And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So I... I will be here
We'll be together
I will be here

“Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me.”    
Psalm 66:16

Thank you Bob for capturing this moment!

www.eyeexpression.com

Washed By The Blood

In a small, reformed dutch town, infant baptism is not out of the ordinary. I was raised in a local church that baptized infants (most of the time singing the same hymn as the baby is sprinkled or as the pastor walked the isle with the little one) then later in life encouraged Profession of Faith as everyone who stood up front gave the same answer, "yes, truly with all my heart." I never understood why anyone had to stand in front of an audience and say those same words when your life itself should be a profession of your faith in action. When Tim and I were engaged, we sought the direction from a good friend about what the Bible says about infant baptism verses adult as we were raised differently in this issue. 

Tim was baptized as a young adult. Every time we sit through church as others proclaim their devotion to God, I get a nudge from My Love or those Godly goose bumps, as the emotion of the moment overwhelmes me. It's only been over the past few years that I felt God stirring a desire in my heart to be cleansed and publicly yield my life to Christ.

I was born and raised in a Christian home. Always went to church and Christian schools. I attended youth group and later helped lead youth group and Young Life when I was living in Seattle. I've never not known who created me. But, it wasn't until God was the only thing I had that I realized how strong my faith was and how faithful God was and is towards His daughter. 

As life dances and races by with work, kids, responsibilities, and relationships, it's easy to get distracted and forget about the One who put it all into action. My faith has grown deeper as I faced My Hero's diagnoses including months earlier as my Dad received the same bad news. In scary pregnancies and the unknowns in business, God has always been walking by my side reminding me that it's His will not mine. And in that will, God came with me as I lived through my lowest, weakest moment in my life as everything around me became unfamiliar. God spoke, "It Is Well," in that dark moment and it resonated to the deepest part of my soul.

"But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord."  Joshua 24:15

Ever since Adam and Eve, sin has been a part of our fallen world. We can try to ignore it, but like a pregnancy, eventually the truth will be known and you won't be able to hide from the ugliness this world offers. It is only by the grace of God we have the opportunity to shine our light and be sold out for Christ. To be all in and to let others know that even in the midst of chaos, it is Christ we live for. Never was there a moment where I was more ready to be cleansed from my past mistakes, scars, and misjudgments then now.

I can't find the words for the feeling of being able to leave the pain from this world at the bottom of the ocean. To be whole again and to yield to God my entire life, allowing Him to take control and not me trying to drive the bus. To willingly yield my life to God's plan when I'm not sure where that leads and to accept the plan God desires for my life. Being baptized was not only a re-birth of my faith, but also a re-dedication to the one who took me from my pit; our pit.

 "For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose."  Galatians 2:19-21

It was an honor to be able to have My Love stand by my side, lift me from the waters and me lift him. 

These are our journeys that we are sharing with each other. I would want no one else to share this with then My Love. He is my partner in life that God has blessed me with and to walk into the water together, come out of the water and be embraced in his arms…I don't have the words for that moment.
The amount of life I breathed coming out of the water was pure, bright, rich, and fulfilling.
Let me take a moment and explain why Kim and Anne's words this morning were so enriching into our lives. These two caught us both when we fell. It was Kim that asked Tim to move out when I didn't have the strength or will power to do it myself. Kim sat in VERY uncomfortable meetings and situations as truth was spoken in detail and had the grace and humility to help us navigate those challenging times. Anne held my hand, prayed blessings over me, encouraged me, and mentored me in the years following. This couple has prophesied over us, shared insight with us, steered us in new directions, and challenged our faith to new levels as we explore missions and ministries. Their marriage has given us inspiration and their faith has empowered us to grow deeper with our Savior. It has been not just an honor to walk life with the Ryan's, but God has rewarded us with life-long friendships as we are so graciously blessed to call them friends and brothers and sisters in Christ.

So you see, having Kim and Anne resting in Hawaii just happened to be the "cherry on top" as we entered into this time of renewal.
God has been so good. God has richly blessed my life beyond my most outrageous, most ridiculous thoughts. God took what was comfortable, broke her, carried her through the pit, and has given her, me, a renewed passion for life as Christ has washed me by His blood.
All glory and honor and power be the One who saved me!

Thank you Bob for capturing this moment on film! 
www.eyeexpression.com

Hawaiian Style At It's Best

So, with the important part of the trip aside, here are a few snap shots of all the fun in the sun had in Kona. There were many whales spotted, "BOOMS!!!" had when complete breached whales soared through the air, memories made, and the introduction to funny pictures begun. The conversation was never lacking and the beach was always inviting as well as the delicious meals shared together. This was a much needed time of rest with My Love as we honeymooned and found refreshment with one another. We were blessed to spend much of that time with our mentors, Kim and Anne Ryan as they too, find themselves preparing for the mission field and getting the refreshment needed. Kim's eagerness for life is contagious and Anne's humble ways are inspiring. Not a moment was wasted as we enjoyed the island life together. 

 { Besides his hair loss, her few gray hairs, and some "shifting"on both parts, I'd say we look better now then we did 12 years ago }

{ We love this place but really, all you need is a beach towel and a swimsuit }

{ The Ryan's invited us to a night of worship at YWAM Kona Base, University of the Nations }

 

{ Celebrating our renewal with a toast on the lanai where the Ryan's are staying. Most impressive next to the stunning view from over 1000ft. above sea level, was the amount of books collected from Pastor David in his home (my guess is over 2000) and the random wild turkey walking down the street }

 { The Ryan's gave us a tour of the Hilton, and a few other beaches, introducing us to the dolphin pools as we indulged in chili fries with these cute friends playing besides us }

 { Tim found himself blushing as he stumbled upon three human-like flamingos at the Hilton }

 { Found me a turtle along with many of his friends in the Hilton Logan }

 { The sunsets are beyond stunning…especially in the arms of the one you love }

{ Anne and I on the look out for whales as we dip our toes and wait for the sunset }

 { Almost every morning the spinner dolphins showed up to swim next to the training, iron man swimmers and water goers }

 { Last night on the island }

Let's not forget about the whale sightings! It was terribly hard to catch a breach on camera but here's what we saw most of the time and as many as 10 at one time.

Sure there are more pictures, but that's enough to get you to book a ticket and find some sunshine. Our toes were frozen as we stepped off the plane to our surprise snow storm which for the kids was a bummer as I didn't pack their snow clothes to Papa and Nana's. What a shift in temperatures! 

Now, the suitcases are emptied and everyone is unpacked, my parents are quietly sitting in there non-chaotic home once again, and Dad's gladly not chasing Myriam through the McDonald's kitchen. All the kids are sleeping soundly in their own beds and routine has found it's place again. I'm dreaming of sandy beaches, but for now early bedtime and a clean house will do. God gave me the charged battery I needed, the quiet times worshipping at the pool (yes, I caught myself humming and singing out loud a few times), and a renewed marriage, a refreshed, cleansed heart. Thank you Jesus for these moments and creation!

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane...

The start of packing for not only myself, but the kids too! Yes, Tim and I are heading to Seattle tonight and flying out tomorrow morning to beautiful, gorgeous warm Kona, Hawaii!!!!!!!! Without kids!!!!!!!!!! There's quite a bit of planning that goes into a kid-free trip as the details have to be written out, spelled out, school binders organized, meals pre-made, bags for Portland and at home neatly packed for all three kids, and sunscreen packed for the beach bound. 

My Hero is waiting for some big test results once again as she had lab tests and PET scans done yesterday. So, Chuckles will be bringing some much needed relief, cheer, and smiles to his Auntie during her chemotherapy treatment this week. Meanwhile, the girls get to hang out with the child I used to babysit!!!!  That ought to make you feel old!!!!  Then a weekend with freshly returned from their cruise, Papa and Nana; always a spoiled treat. We are blessed with family and friends with willing hearts to watch our little gifts and keep them happy when out of town.

There was much planning that went into this trip and yet it's real simple:

It's all about My Love and I as we celebrate achievements, battles overcome, immense healing, and years of blessed marriage God has given to us. There will be much more to come about all of that because now I need to put my suits and dresses in a suitcase!

Aloha!

Make sure to check out 365 as the weekly updates are filled with daily nonsense and cheer for your viewing pleasure. 

The Undoings of Naptime Take Two

She undid it again. 

She does this every day, but usually doesn't poo in the process. 

Today, Myriam decided to wake up from her nap and create a mess that was beyond repair. Mind you the smell started wafting from the living room as I approached the other gagging kids and disaster down the hallway. Once in the danger zone I found a pile on the floor and almost every white surface and spindle covered by the little artist herself including dread-like clusters in her hair. No tears. This chick was content playing with herself…barf!!!

So, after bathing Myriam twice and getting the first load of bedding in a sanitizing cycle, I attempted the crib. After an hour of disinfectant wipes I got a scrub brush and then almost another hour called it quits and got the screw driver. Currently, the poopy crib is outside our front door so I had to re-direct the pizza delivery boy as my good intentions of making dinner came to a halt and caved at West Side. 

Next came phone calls around town for a twin size mattress then asking my BIL for delivery service as Tim is out of town. 

As of 10 minutes after bedtime, I've gone in twice and Melissa once. We'll see how this works out, but crossing my fingers Myriam embraces this big girl business of a big mattress and decides to not use the entire room as her new canvas. 

She May be Short, but She Packs a Punch!

Last week I said to Tim, "God gave Myriam an extra zeal for life. An intense passion for life!" He replied with an intent and direct, "No, God gave her Attention Deficit Disorder!"

There are days when I simply don't recognize her crazed behavior because I'm surrounded by it all day, every day. The multiple times a day when she stripes to nothing just to let herself air out, usually when it's nap time, is normal and expected. The instant on switch when she wakes up and jumping begins once I get her out of her crib. The meals spread throughout her hair and mass produced all over the floor is normal with every snack and meal consumed. You leave something within reach, the girls gonna get it! And if she can't reach it, she's quick to move furniture around to climb and get that prized item most likely not meant to play with. Doors left open have been left to investigation while lotions, toothpaste, creams, and makeup are half emptied on the bathroom floor. Myriam has been known to wonder outside as well if she thinks something is interesting enough to explore herself which is why the high lock was installed. It's nearly impossible to keep our house clean because she quickly tears everything apart. The child is strong, quick, smart, adorable and can jump for hours if asked too. 

Addison and Charlie love her to pieces, but will get annoyed after a bit of the two year old tactics gone crazy on them. Currently, the young one is chasing the older kids around the house with the light saber taller than herself all the while riding her stick horse! Some adults are even scared of her! I have heard and seen few other children as busy as our firecracker and I'm so thankful she's not a twin! 

But, in all this busy behavior and zest for life comes the sweet side of our "baby." Today, as I was assessing the damage after nap time, (yes, she took her diaper off and was free-styling it on the bottom half) I was met with tight squeezes, kisses, and the need for snuggles. These lovable moments are becoming more and more frequent, but also lasting much longer too. Cheek to cheek she wraps her short chubby arms around my neck and tells me she loves me. Melts my mommy heart every time. Even as she was snuggling with me in bed at the too-early-wee hours of the morning, I was routinely met with kisses, loves, and the all around humor this two year old shares with everyone. 

Myriam is my joy. She makes me laugh just looking at her! The other day I found myself reading through some of the emails, text messages, Facebook comments and journals from the week of Myriam's birth to the day she was born. I was filed with such pride for our daughter and immense love for our given child. There is no doubt she is our child and God has made our hearts full. I am eternally grateful for the exact moment God matched us with our birth parents. The way God took four potential families and one by one, all declined to accept the situation but us. The way we clicked perfectly with our birth parents in the McDonald's booth when we met for the first time and again at the followed doctor's visit. God cleared a pathway for our two families to meet and sent us our energized crazy baby girl that has brought smiles to our faces, gray hairs from the stresses, and fit bodies from all the chasing around.

Yes, she can be exhausting, stressful, send the blood pressure through the roof and make disgusting messes, BUT, she is God's sweet child who designed her to be this exact way because He has an amazing, mild blowing purpose for her life that will change other people's lives. Myriam has been able to fill a room with her presence and zest to live and I pray that others who need a slice of her passion will be able to see it's not just her shining through the smile, but God who gave her this individual personality that is hers alone. 

So, when you see me at church, in public, or just at home and have her in a head lock, please forgive me as I'm trying to control a potential unpleasant situation or simply trying to have a download of life from my two year old. 

12th Man Party

We are far from being regular 12th man fans, but we pulled it into gear for the big game this weekend! Addison wanted to get matching shirts so to Bellingham we went in search for the perfect shirts. We landed a dutch deal I could approve and then headed to Sally's for the fashionable 

(yet tacky) blue hair extensions and Seahawks blue nail polish. Sorry Myriam, Mommy couldn't find a shirt in my budget in your size so we got blue and green flowers instead. Now that the game-day outfits were in place, we then had to plan our menu…guilt free and low calorie of course. Nana provided delicious chicken wings and sausages and we paired it with bloomin' onion bread, spicy bean dip and veggies that didn't get touched. To top it off we all splurged with yummy cupcakes! What a great afternoon at Papa and Nana's…what a boring game as we CRUSHED the Bronco's. I actually felt bad for them as they sat on the side lines with deflated smiles. Oh well. Next time Denver. Until then…

Well done Seahawks!!!!!!! 

{ the shirts make us look official }

 { enjoying chocolate cupcakes }

{ halftime air guitar show from the boys }

{ getting bored as the score board gets higher }