My Faith Sharpened

This week was the start of my organizing, planning, list-making, and bulletin-board-beautifying for the school year that is etching closer and closer by the day. Posters need to be hung, binders need to be filled with worksheets, globes dusted, books ordered and pencils sharpened. It was the almost two hours during the sharpening process that God hit me with a little reality check into my heart.

You see, lately I've been angry at God for allowing My Hero to go through this six year battle of agonizing treatments and surgeries to only gain more disappointing test results. Inconclusive test numbers that resulted in a second bone biospy only to prove to insurance companies that My Hero really does need cancer treatments is simply insult to injury. The tumor markers that keep rising are indicators that defeat may be nearing and more aggressive treatments are next on the check list. The level of frustration is off the charts. The emotional collapse has begun. Watching my parents navigate this road is brutal. The question of what next, how can I help, will she suffer long, how do I tell the kids, etc. plague my mind. The battle between God and myself of "why" has been exhausted. The guilt of not being a gene carrier weighs heavy as I'm blessed to experience the intimacy within marriage and the beauty of child rearing. I reason with why or how I can help out more with medical cost, taxi driving, and being a presence to My Hero when she's too tired or weak to enjoy a hot sunny day. It's been hard to read my Bible without questioning the suffering one has to endure for so long without ever having a "normal" day in years. Crappy is the new normal for years past now. Depletion has settled into my heart with fear of the unknown answers.

The other night my Mom had asked if her faith was strong enough because she doubts the process. I replied with of course her faith was strong enough. God asnweres prayers in many ways and some are harder than others. That deson't mean our faith is weak. Problem is, is that I question that too at times.  No person should exerience the possible death of a loved one or the journey of fighting through a cancer battle. No parent should have to ponder the loss of a child.  No child should have to fight this hard for life.

It wasn't until those old colored pencils (seriously, some of them are from when I was young) that God gently tugged at my heart to remind me that this too is a testing of my faith. In moments where I struggle the most God puts me in the sharpener to restructure my heart and mind so I can bring about the best for Jesus. My heart was in need of shedding from the negative thoughts, fear, worry, mistrust, and anger towards situations, people, and outcomes. I did not perform so well when My Hero got more bad news this past week. Instead of praising God for 34 years of life I questioned His process. I turned away in frustration rather then bending down on my knees to pray. I shed tears of saddness rather then joy knowing that ultimately God was and is in control of My Hero's life. Whether it be healing on earth or eternal healing with many lives inpacted for His Kingdom through Heaven's graduation. I had failed miserably at this recent test. 

So now I welcome the sharpening of my character, my faith, and emotions as I face what could be the hardest challenge of my life. I will extend my hand of hope and prayer for God's will to be done not my selfish desires to be had. I expect bad days but trust completely that God knows and weeps with me in my weak moments. And in the end, if My Hero is too weak or tired to walk, I will carry her around until her work is done on earth and will walk her into eternity with tears of joy, pride, and honor to have been blessed to be called sister and friend.