Mercy Wept...My Hero's Story

It was almost 6 years ago that I collapsed into my husbands arms as I forced myself out of the operating room leaving my sister behind. There are no words for the emotions that I had been fighting that dreaded morning of my sisters first surgery. It was only a week prior that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. 

It would be three weeks later that months of painful, exhausting chemotherapy began followed by radiation as well as recovery from an invasive surgery that left Traci in a state of anger, confusion, shock, and fatigue. My saint of a mother lived in Portland for 7 weeks in a house provided by the church to aid in the recovery process. That made it easy for Addi and I to take the train south for visits, hugs, and loves. Addi was quickly being submerged into the medical lifestyle of needles, doctors, and many tears. At the same time, Dad was back up north fighting his own cancer battle. 

This left me to be the cheerleader (that came naturally) and the smiles of the family. It was very obvious that Addison was medicine that could not be found in a bottle...something we all were very thankful for!

{Our family, minus some kids, at the Worship-Silent Auction Benefit Concert at NCCTK}

I found myself wanting to help in every way possible. I organized, with the help of many others, a Benefit Concert and Silent Auction to raise funds to cover medical costs. I also found myself walking 60 miles in Seattle in honor of my Hero: my sister. I managed just fine to walk even with a little bundle of Chuckles in my tummy...I was three months into his pregnancy. The next year I walked with Mom, Judy (my Mother in Law) and my cousin, Heidy Haak. This was an extremely powerful event to be a part of and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to walk for my sister!

 {First year at the 3-Day Breast Cancer Walk with Missy, Lindsay, Traci, and myself}

 {My Hero}

{NCCTK at Relay for Life...I'm behind the pink ribbon}

 

{My Honey and Hero...fresh from her shave}

Beginning of last year, Traci found her hair falling out very quickly after her first treatment for the second go around. That's when I planned the Bald is Beautiful surprise party after I shaved my sissy's perfectly round head. It is a blessing to our family to know that we have another "family" in Portland lifting and supporting Traci up daily. 

 {Nothing but love...always helps to have a few distractions during treatment}

{Second time around with treatments}

 {Chuckles with Auntie Traci at Deception Pass Spring 2012}

 {Apple Farm Fall 2012}

{Dad and Traci soaking up the sunset and dipping their toes in the San Diego sand}

 {Auntie Traci and her Little Loves}

Then came last week's what should have been regular PET scan with what should had been normal results. 

There are no words to express the level of emotion that rushes through your body when you hear that the cancer has spread. This beast has now spread to Traci's bones: spine, hips, pelvis, and leg.  If I could take this burden from Traci I would but she would fight to give it to me. My sister has what some say is a "glass half full" attitude. I'm not sure you can face this rock hill without anything but that fighting attitude. My sister has a faith that continues to grow strong in the midst of trial. I look up to my sister for her capacity to face challenge and struggle. I never hear many complaints and never hear an "I GIVE UP." That's not what my sister is made up of. She has guts of steel that can take on any battle.

Traci is a beautiful, able, loving, young Godly woman who I can learn from many times over. 

{Chuckles: a.k.a. Aunties's Cheerleader}

This morning at church our pastor referred to the story in John about Lazarus and how anger was building up in his sisters over his death. I think about that and how angry I am for the cancer to not have responded to the past year of chemotherapy. I'm angry for Traci to not be able to experience childbirth, marriage, and the life cycle of ovaries. She has so many dreams of becoming a mother and wife. I look into my life and see that I've had those dreams fulfilled and wonder why not me? Why have I been able to experience the joys and pain within the unit of being a mother and wife? Why has she had to go through treatment after treatment, needles and surgeries, fatigue and exhaustion and yet continue to be placed at the foot of a huge mountain? 

 {Traci at Myriam's 1st birthday party November 2012}

But then we read that JESUS WEPT. In all His mercy, HE WEPT. 

Jesus knows all my thoughts, my anger, and my pain in the situation of watching my sister fight what seems as an impossible fight for the past six years. I listen to my parents depleted hearts and distraught thoughts. I see the anguish on their faces. I look into my children's faces and see a love for their Auntie but yet have to explain that she can't pick them up anymore. No more piggy back rides, wrestling, or goofing around in fear of breaking a bone. It frustrates me that I can't pack up and go everyday to help out with meals, cleaning, napping, or just bringing the "medicine" (the kids) to visit. 

But the beauty in all my thoughts is Jesus knows them. He hurts for my sister as I hurt for her. He knows the pain my parents are navigating for their daughter. Jesus knows the pain Traci is living in and the disappointment of dreams not yet met. 

I needed the reminder this morning that no matter how big the pain, Jesus loves us. No matter how big the obstacle, Jesus has a way to navigate through the valleys.

He loves us even in our extreme hurt. 

MERCY WEPT...

Jesus weeps for the battle my hero is blessed to fight. 

{First haircut since the Bald is Beautiful Party last year}

So I'm left encouraged. I'm left with hope. I'm confident that my sister WILL FIGHT and WILL WIN. As hard as we all will fight for her, we still believe...

HIS WILL NOT OURS.

Whether here on this earth or in Heaven...Jesus knows where she belongs and I will sing His praises and say, 'it is well with my soul' because I know that Traci has eternal hope and salvation in a God that heals and saves. 

So I know that if I weep...Jesus will too.