The Realities of Grief

The realities of my grief have been as opposite as the east to the west. 

In one moment you can have clear blue, sunny, happy skies over to the West hovering over the islands and to the East, the darkest, meanest black skies coming down in vertical stripes as the clouds open flood gates across the mountains. There is an actual line drawn in the weather pattern that separates the two skies. 

Grief is, and can be, as tumultuous as the stormy skies or as hopeful as a clear blue sunset to the West. 

Because many have asked how my family and I are doing, I thought I'd let you into my world for a brief moment and tell you what the past three months have looked like for us. 

In one word, I'd say it's been 

HARD.

Move On Over Showers

The amount of rain we've had so far this spring is down right crazy. My fingers and toes are constantly in a state of looking like raisins from the dampness in the air. 

(Not really; possibly an over exaggeration.) 

You can walk anywhere on our lawn and the sounds of a wet sponge echo back at you.  There's really no point in washing your car because you know within a few hours nature will wash it again for you. This has been on record a wet season. 

Thankfully, we've managed to find a few bright spots during the wet weeks and I've found some moments to soak up with the kids during spring break. 

Here's a glimpse through the clouds of what's been going at our home...

These Four Words

April has been a month of reflection.

A reconciliation of what Jesus did for us on the cross. A reminder of anniversaries and birthdays. A reminder that eight years ago our marriage came to life. 

I find myself getting lost in thought going back ten years when we wheeled my sister into the operating room for her first surgery a week after receiving her cancer diagnoses. I can hear the words she spoke to me as I told her I loved her. I can see Tim with open arms ready to catch his bride as he surprised me at the hospital in Portland, I remember the first moments after surgery quickly brushing Traci's teeth before visitors came and can smell the Olive Garden dinner that fed the waiting room of friends and family. 

I look back at the first moments in the Mission House post surgery as Mom and I got Traci comfortable before I needed to head back home.

Finding Joy on Our Family Vacation

{ Self-note: Much of this blog is like a yearbook. Sorry for the length of this post. }

This May will mark a year since Gigi passed. My Dad decided rather than investing the inheritance from her deed, he would give our family an experience in Grandma's honor. For six months now we have been planning, preparing and getting excited about our family Disney Cruise. 

It wasn't until a couple months ago that we started to become worried about how it would be made possible with my sisters health. If there was anything she wanted more than her health, it was to see our family go on this cruise. She was adamant about this trip happening. Traci loved to go on cruises and having her nieces and nephews there to experience the fun gave her such joy to look forward to.

We took off from Seatac airport one month exactly after she passed; the wheels leaving the ground almost to the minute she passed. I tried to hide the tears, but this was truly a reality that things happened and my sister would not be with us on this trip. 

Getting Closer to Making It Final

 { Me, Miss Bee and 'N'...or Tummy Mommy as we refer to her as. Posted with permission. }

On March 21st, Miss Bee became legally free getting us that much closer to her adoption day. Her journey becoming one of us has been a joy; quite uneventful compared to most foster situations. Her Tummy Mommy and I chat regularly and just a couple weeks ago met at Perch and Play for a visit. We have a friendship that to others seems odd or unfamiliar, but she's family now regardless how you look at things. Bee's Tummy Mommy has expressed some heartfelt words with me that I will hold tight and share with Bee when she's older. I've learned so much about who she is and her own childhood which ultimately has bonded us. Her decision for Miss Bee's life is respected and will be kept safe until Bee is able to understand.

She Keeps Me Running

{ 7th state race }

The first time back in my running shoes after my sister passed, I found myself on the treadmill with worship music playing starring at a dark gray sky. I caught myself having a conversation with Traci about how I would ever run another race without her telling me right before all the sweet words of encouragement like she would through texts and phone calls. 

The reason why I made the goal of 50 by 50 (50 state races by the age of 50) was to run because she couldn't. It was to run for her, in honor of her and others, with the capability and ability to run and to make memories of traveling all across the country with my sister. We had plans to do big things with these races. We had talked about me running a race after our family cruise in Florida and how excited Traci was that I found a race with such a dear cause; Dash for Downs 5k. She was so excited for me to run! It was a one-sided, possibly a little of an angry toned chat as I sprinted through a few miles hoping to hear 

her voice talk back to me. 

I was almost done with my quick sprint when I was telling her I quit and then...

My Tribute: Daughter, Sister, Friend

I first want to say thank you, on behalf of our family, for walking these past 10 years with us praying, encouraging and showing us support as we cared for our daughter and sister in her fight. It was not only just her fight; it became all of our fight and we can not say how much your willingness to join through prayer and support has meant to all of us. There were successful fundraisers, homes opened up to stay at, meals provided, gas cards given, rides offered to bring Traci to and from treatments or even back home. In boxes above Traci’s closet are every single card written with words of hope, scriptures of truth and sentiments of friendship spoken. Traci clung to your friendships and it is the fuel behind her fight. We humbly ask that you help us finish our Hero’s fight worshipping and celebrating her life, her love for her Jesus and to not focus on her death, but her victory.