It's hard to believe it's only been five years since Myriam was born and yet, the moment we held her for the first time seems just like yesterday.
The moment we were given opportunity to lay eyes on our daughter and check all ten toes and fingers, pull the cap back to see if she had any hair and to believe that this really was happening after all the paperwork and waiting. Our Thanksgiving five years ago filled our hearts with such delight and gratitude; that Thanksgiving five years ago changed the dynamic of our family forever.
Lately, I have found myself grieving for not being able to control the first nine months of her life. Not being able to hug my swollen belly and to sing lullabies to soothe the restless life inside me. I feel guilty for not being able to protect our daughter from harm and choices.
Myriam is joy, laughter, she's whimsical and compassionate. Myriam is creative, imaginative, inquisitive, mischievous and sensitive. Myriam is strong-willed, confident, defiant and loyal. As often as she can be the reason for my worry and stress, she can also be the reason I melt and soften to her embrace.
Understanding how God designed our daughter has been the hardest thing we've done in parenting thus far. Finding our own voice to navigate the best approach through avenues that can offer therapies and advice in order to give Myriam her own voice in life has been an adventure. There are days I feel out of control, completely exhausted and not qualified to be her Mommy because I'm not seeing her the way God does. There are days where we both surprise ourselves when good choices, listening ears and regulation have been achieved verses complete chaos and hands tossed in the air.
I often wonder when we'll look back and say, "It felt like decades but it was only a few years..."
But then I remind myself, God chose me to be her Mommy; He chose Tim to be her Daddy.
God gave us the chosen job to love this little girl like she had our own blood and genetics running through her veins. He chose us to love her the exact way He created her to be; a life vibrant, full of energy with an abundance of love to share with others.
And in that moment of being Mommy, Myriam's forever and always Mommy, my grieving stops and turns to laughter with every joke said, hug squeezed, kiss given and personality displayed.
My prayer, our prayer, is that you sweet girl never stop looking up to us with those deep, dark brown chocolate eyes. That you would extend grace to Daddy and Mommy when we don't get it right the first time. That you would feel the immeasurable amount of love we have for you and in return, never stop loving Jesus and others in the big, bold way you do.
Myriam, may you never stop looking up to the One who created you exactly as you are;
perfect in His image.
Happy Birthday baby girl.
{ Three months old. }
{ Birthday morning with family. }
{ Post-turkey dinner birthday movie - Moana. }
{ Super hero five party begins in 3, 2, 1...}
{ Deep in wishful thoughts. }
{ Party people enjoying the sweets. }
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