Today marks another new normal; another adventure yet to be experienced; another treatment not yet had. She's scared, nervous, anxious; possibly even hesitant. The start of a three week radiation treatment in attempts to eradicate the brain tumors and eye tumors found from what was thought to just be a side effect of the ongoing chemotherapy Traci has been receiving.
It started with blurry vision, much like seeing out of a water glass, and a green tint out of the left eye. I ventured down to Portland to assist in getting Traci to her Friday appointments along with Charlie and Miss Bee.
After a simple examination of the eye, the doctor kept on ordering a few more tests just to make sure he had a good idea what was going on. That was my cue that something was wrong. During the eye ultrasound I pointedly said to the doctor, "We've been doing this cancer thing for over nine years. If you're looking for a tumor just say so."
It was after that, we saw another specialist and heard the words:
metastatic eye tumors.
Our hearts sunk a wee bit.
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
naught be all else to me, save that thou art
thou my best thought, by day or by night;
waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.
{ Never a chemotherapy alone. }
Disappointment was heavy on my heart watching and listening to My Hero displace the facts that we had just heard, for the possibility of these new tumors still being just a side effect of her treatments. I had the unfortunate job of telling Dad the truth over the phone and later together we told Mom. This has been the journey from the beginning of extreme ups and deep lows. The only constant in all of this has been Jesus.
Be thou my wisdom, and thou my rue word;
I ever with thee and thou with me, lord.
Thou my great Father; thine own may I be,
thou in me dwelling and I one with thee.
This past summer I went through a Bible study about worship. What kept coming to mind was how beautifully Traci has been able to worship through every mountain placed in front of her. No matter what the challenge, hurdle or test she walks into, she walks firmly rooted in the truth that God is still so good. I think about Abraham when he was leading his son up the mountain to make a sacrifice to God. His faithfulness overcame the devastation of what he might have had to do. I think about Job as he had tragedy after tragedy plague his life but he continued to remain faithful. The journey Moses had leading his people to the promised land. Worship is an incredibly strong theme throughout the Bible and Traci's life is no different. She remains faithful; she remains consistent in her Foundation. God remains good even though all else may seem chaotic and terrifying.
Riches I heed not, no vain, empty praise;
thou mine inheritance, now and always;
thou and thou only first in my heart,
high King of heaven, my treasure thou art.
{ The superhero mask needed to make full brain radiation happen. }
You would need to drug me and knock me out to make this happen but this amazingly brave gal took it like a champ.
No diagnoses, time frame or significant tragedy can take away what is rooted deep in your heart. It is the air we breathe, the truth that feeds our soul. Yes, we cry in expression for the sadness that haunts this long journey and we ask why, but in the end, we worship. We thank Jesus for how He has given us years beyond what should be with the amount of cancer my sister has fought. We thank Jesus for protecting her life as years of chemicals have gone into her body to slow down the beast growing inside. We praise Jesus for the faithfulness of His child who has been a witness to His greatness to many who don't know how and why we celebrate rather than mourn.
I don't want to get caught up in the fact that My Hero will once again loose her hair. I don't want to get caught up in the fact that she won't see our kids graduate from high school or someday get married. Shoot, that fact that we have a timeline sucks in general. But, I know that God is bigger than any timeline, diagnoses or mountain any of us have to climb.
We've said it from the beginning: Auntie will have healing here on earth or will be granted her heavenly healing where no pain; no cancer can touch her.
High King of heaven, my victory won,
my I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all.
Traci, My Hero, thank you for your unfailing example of what a servants heart should look like, acts like and worships boldly while under distress. You make this journey that much easier by walking out your faithfulness believing in the Creator who gave you grace to walk every step needed to wholeness. I will live the rest of my life in attempts to be more like you.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9
